h a l f b a k e r yThe embarrassing drunkard uncle of invention.
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The competitors are allowed up to five days growth of stubble. They stand in front of a basin of warm water, beside which is a bar of official soap, a towel, and a tray containing the shaving foam and razor of their choice (may be cut-throat or safety, but no electrics).
The competitors wash their
faces, and are then blindfolded by attendants. They must then lather their faces and shave while blindfolded, against the clock, after the starter's gun.
As they finish, they silently raise their razor above their head so as not to put off other competitiors.
When all are finished, a whistle blows. They may then remove their blindfolds and are provided with fresh water to rinse their faces.
They are then inspected by the judges. Faults are awarded for cuts, or unshaved patches; mising ears or noses may result in disqualification.
The winner is the one with the best shave in the shortest time.
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Annotation:
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I forsee difficulty with the judging. Surface finish measuring technology will be required, with established baseline data of the competitor's optimal smooth features. Remember, this is the Olympics, with fractions of a second difference between gold and silver. |
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We just want to see the blood flow freely .... |
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There will have to be different disciplines, as in fencing (foil, eppee, rapier, sabre). In this case, cut throat, classic single blade safety (replaceable), single blade disposable, twin blade swivel head, bowie knife and bayonet. |
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I think the Chinese will always win this, since they seem to have only 20 or 30 long strands dangling from their chins. The men have a few more, I suppose. |
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And the winner by a hair... |
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Why the blindfolds? When I was in basic training, I was ordered to shave on the parade ground, one cold morning, with only my razor and a handful of foam. I couldn't see a bloody thing except red foam dripping off the razor. (I later found that the secret is to use the back of the razor to squeegee off the foam, and only pretend to have shaved.) |
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I now often do mirror-less shaves with my electric shaver. I use the other hand to tighten skin and feel for stubble. I recall using a safety razor that way, I think, in the shower. |
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//(I later found that the secret is to use the back of the razor to squeegee off the foam, and only pretend to have shaved.)// |
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The secret is to rarely if ever change the blade. For a long time it will still be sharp enough to remove stubble but will rarely cut you. It's what I do anyway. |
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I feel a musical coming on... |
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Bun for creating real competition between makers of razors. "Try the new scrape-o-matic! now with 15 blades!" |
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Only one thing wrong with this idea,
and that's the blindfolds.
Your elite shaving athlete needs to
*see* his opponents in order to
summon up those extra reserves of
strength to go just a little bit faster than
them.
For the men's event, ditch the blindfold,
and just deny them mirrors. They'll see
each other, but not themselves, which is
exactly what's wanted here. |
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[8th of 7] re: //different disciplines//
don't overlook the pogonocultural
possibilities. We could have Vandyke,
Handlebar, Muttonchop .... |
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I can see some interesting ways to cheat here... [+] |
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Hmm. Without blindfolds, the contestants could do what some runners do, and get a "rabbit"--a fake competitor who is really helping. The shaving rabbit could stand facing the team-mate, and shave areas of his own face to guide his buddy to missed areas. |
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