Old Granddad doll

Teaches your child that his grandfather won’t be taking his room forever.

When Old Granddad first comes to live with you, he’s not all that old, but upon contact with oxygen, his clear skin slowly begins to spot and wrinkle, over a couple of years coming to resemble that of a rotten banana, with an occasional discoloration that your child learns is “melanoma”, or “gangrene”.

Fresh out the box, Old Granddad says things like, “Hello there, Johnnie, how’s school?” but over time that changes to a crusty “where am I?” and “who the hell are you?” Eventually there is an extended spate of coughing, and then a final moment of lucidity: “I’m going now, Johnnie, be good to your folks. Bye bye...”

After that emotion-laden scene, a spring-loaded needle plunges into a small tin of sardines hidden within the doll. After a few warm days, the stench becomes overpowering, so the only thing to do is to bury Old Granddad in the backyard, or cremate him in the barbecue pit.