Nuclear-Powered Asteroid-Cracking Robotic Rhinoceros Fleet

When an incoming Earth-Clobbering asteroid is detected, after the laborious naming process is over with, a fleet of high-speed giant space wasps will be dispatched--wait, did I mention the giant space wasps? Yeah, there are giant space wasps. Anyway, they will be dispatched on an intercept course to meet the asteroid while it is still far enough from Earth to give this scheme time to work, but close enough that it can be observed through mega- giant telescopes and broadcast on pay-per-view.

Clutched tightly to the thorax of each giant space wasp will be a giant robot space rhinoceros. These machines will be powered by reconditioned nuclear reactors removed from decommissioned nuclear submarines. For preference, I'd use liqiud sodium reactors from old Russian subs because this all happens in outer space, so it can be dirty as hell.

When the fleet arrives, the robot rhinoceroses will be deposited on the surface of the asteroid and the space wasps will take up a holding pattern nearby. Using the 42GzW deuterium flouride lasers mounted in their nostrils, an advance team of rhinos will begin scoring the crust of the asteroid in a pre-programmed pattern, having already determined the composition and internal structure using, um, ground-penetrating radar and stuff. Meanwhile, the bulk of the herd will follow close behind, using their lasers and reinforced boron-carbide-tipped horns to create 'rhinoceros superhighways' along these artificial fault lines. In this first phase, they will maneuver primarily with vectored-thrust rockets located in the ears and anus. Deployed from the hangar-like bellies of the robot rhinoceroses, a horde of Automated Refinery Snails (WKTE) will follow behind them, slurping up the spoil and using the low-grade iron ore and other materials it contains to create a special ferrous cement which they will lay down in a metallic, self-hardening slime trail.

Once the primary stage is complete, the herd will assemble into a tight formation and begin to stampede in perfect lockstep around and around the asteroid until their pounding electromagnetic rhinoceros feet match the crust's structural resonance, resulting in controlled fracture. As the crust comes apart, the giant space wasps descend once more and carry away the broken segments, exposing the yummy nickel-iron meat of the enormous space-walnut for the rhinoceroses to gorge themselves upon, storing the rich ore in their cavernous bellies. When the feast is complete, the fleet will return to Earth with its bounty, making a quick stop at Jupiter to toss the crust segments into the big red spot, to the general amusement of billions of veiwers at home.

Thus, several problems have been solved all in one go: the Russians can get rid of all their surplus nuclear submarines before one of the aging reactors goes critical and turns Polyarny Inlet into a big cauldron of glowing sturgeon stew, the giant space wasps will be given a useful purpose in life and will no longer sate their bloodlust upon the helpless green-skinned Venusian sex princesses, and, of course, the Earth will not be clobbered by a massive asteroid.

<NOTE: the bit with the anal thrusters and the snails was added to the plan after [Vernon]'s helpful anno regarding gravity and the lack thereof. [pocmloc]'s anno about thrusters was posted while the additions were being made, but I'll happily share the credit anyway. Strange minds sometimes think alike.>