Non-touchscreen alert

Tablet computers have touchscreens; they may also have add-on keyboards. Some desktop computers have touchscreens, but most don't. Some netbooks have touchscreens - some don't.

Some users seem to have great difficulty remembering if the display they are currently using is a touchscreen or not; frequently, they poke aimlessly at the little coloured pictures with their huge, clumsy, salami-sized fingers, encrusted with a rich layer of biological detritus, leaving unpleasant marks on the display and requiring subsequent cleaning with aggressive biocides, or in severe cases, high-temperature incineration*.

However, non-touchscreen users who are driven to physical violence by the digit-prodding antics of mouth-breathing numpties now have a remedy. Just affix the new BorgCo Screen Touch Alerter to the top edge of the display. A scanning infrared laser detects the approaching appendage and - depending on the options selected - reacts appropriately. For example, the basic model merely emits a loud, irritating squeal, whereas the mid range version can fire a tiny taser dart. The deluxe version (produced in conjunction with MaxCo Biosynthetics and Didgeridoo Repair inc.) fires a tiny soluble dart containing a mixture of Irukandji and Stonefish venoms, causing prolonged, excruciating pain.

*The incineration may be of the contaminated display, the offender, or both. The latter is a more effective long term solution.