Ninja Cycling School

While cycling around the city I sometimes wonder what would happen if I got hit by a car. I like to imagine myself rolling elegantly across the bonnet, and landing on my feet to give the hapless driver a ferocious scowl of disdain, while a gaggle of attractive girls stare awe-struck at my casual dicing with death.

The reality would probably involve me hitting the car like a sack of potatoes and ending up lying on the floor in a pool of blood and bone-shards, whimpering. This is unacceptable. So I propose the founding of the Ninja Cycling Academy, where young people can learn to apply the skills of the ninja to cycle safety.

The curriculuum would be in three parts. The first part would be Tumbling Basics: the students would work on a mat, practicing aikido-style breakfalls, as well as cartwheels, somersaults, back-flips, prat-falls, etc.

In the second section, Applied Basics, the aspiring cycle-ninja would learn how to apply these skills to a cycle crash in highly controlled situations: for instance, they would practice driving their bike into the side of a car and hand-springing across the roof.

Once the disciple has thorougly mastered every aspect of Applied Basics, they are ready to move onto the most advanced section of the course: Freestyle Ninja Cycling. In this section, the student cycles through a mock-up of a street. Cars, driven by Ninja Cycling Masters, wait in ambush to collide with the acolyte, who will use the skills he or she has been taught to emerge unscathed. As this is just training, the student will wear helmet and padding, so as to avoid injury.

Finally our young learner has progressed to the stage where they need fear no car. They are ready to venture out onto the killing streets, secure in the knowledge that their awesome ninja cycling skills will allow them to transcend any emergency.

Yatta!