Minions 'R' Us

In these modern times of Internet technology, assorted advanced snooping devices and weapons, and highly trained squads of talented infiltration officers, the trusty evil sidekick is going to get his ass handed to him fairly often. He'd better, that's his job. Unfortunately, with the Three-strikes-and-you're-out policy of the American justice system, it doesn't long before the little guy goes away and stays away. Where do you go to find a new foil?

Minions 'R' Us is a clearinghouse of talents and traits, body types and bad guy bents that can cater to the needs of every bad guy front man who needs a suitable lackey. If yours is a need for a big dumb oaf who can club a victim over the head, we can connect you to the exact oaf who suits your vacancy. If you instead need a technically brilliant but socially inept ne'er-do-well who can be maneuvered into engineering your access to places you really aren't supposed to go, we can provide you that as well. Not so much a store as we are a temp agency, we are fully bonded and insured, and will guarantee your privacy for the right price.

Also in place is a non-compete clause that guarantees none of our more ambitious personnel, after having completed a contract in your service, will attempt the same sort of nefariousness for one (1) year after completion of said service, under threat of exposure and subsequent prosecution.

Repeat customers receive a discount of ten percent and the phone number of a good lawyer. Be warned, the lawyer is also a customer.