h a l f b a k e r yInvented by someone French.
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Having recently had conversations with several anglers, I've discovered that all fish (or at least all sport fish) are imperial. You might catch a 3lb trout, or a 14lb pike, or even a 15ft shark, but there is no such thing as a metric fish of any sort.
This is all well and good here in this sceptred
isle, but it must be terribly galling for French or German anglers, devoted as they are to the metric system.
Normally, galling the Gauls would be fine. However, it strikes me that England can always use a little extra cash, and there's clearly a gap in the continental market.
What I propose, therefore, is that Britain embarks on a programme to create metric fish breeds, which we can then sell at elevated prices to the French and Germans to introduce into their own (not our!) waterways.
Selective breeding is going to be very difficult and slow. However, thanks to CRISPR/Cas9 technology, and the brilliance of English biotechnologists, I think we can achieve the desired result by replacing the growth hormone genes of normal, imperial fish with those from snails. Snails (at least the allegedly edible variety) appear to be entirely metric, having been cultivated for millennia on the continent.
The same technology, once perfected, can potentially be used in reverse to create imperial foie gras and truffles suitable for the English climate.
Nurse shark
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nurse_shark
Already have a basic medical training [8th of 7, Aug 23 2017]
https://youtu.be/gweUVWUYYQ8
I would think this is a much bigger problem to solve [theircompetitor, Aug 23 2017]
[link]
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Instead of an octopus will we then have a decipus? I'm sure
once they get started on their new GM diets, the
unfortunate Frankenstein fish will soon start to comply with
their new decimalised metric future. |
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No, instead of an octopus we will have a squid. Please do try to keep up. And in any event, it will be you French that have it. |
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//Frankenstein fish// It is highly unlikely that any feasible genetic modification will turn a fish into a doctor. |
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Sorry to disappoint, but here in the colonies the sharks are four or
five metres. You could come and explain feet to them if you liked.
Note however that if their eyes glaze over that's a bad sign. |
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//sharks are four or five metres// Ah, but note that it's four _or_ five. That's a clear indication of an imperial fish trying to fit into a metric world. |
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I've watched Jaws several times, and sharks are definitely in feet. |
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I watched Jaws several times, and feet are definitely in
sharks. |
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// It is highly unlikely that any feasible genetic modification will turn a fish into a doctor. // |
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Could you not begin with a Nurse Shark <link> and then give them more training ? |
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//Frankenstein fish// - you mean
"[Frankenstein's monster] fish", I think |
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It's consumption of the Frankenstein fish that generates the
monsters, as per all toxic GMs. |
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Yes, but people say "Frankenstein fish" or
"Frankenstein food", meaning "Monster-like fish" or
"Monster-like food", when Frankenstein wasn't the
monster, he was a mild-mannered, clever,
hard-working, dedicated research scientist who
happened to create a monster, but who probably also
had a large number of other acheivements and
published scientific papers. |
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I think most people know the difference between the
creator and the monster, but thanks for explaining it again.
Are you taking on the role of Igor here? Ha |
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//as per all toxic GMs.// |
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Ah yes. Tell me, mon amie, don't your shoulders ever ache from all that arm-waving? |
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I shall have a fishy on a little dishy. Just have to dangle the
GM hook in the water, and up it pops. Huzzahhhh! :-) |
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// your shoulders ever ache // |
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Only one shoulder would ache. The other has to be kept quite still, to avoid dislodging the chip on it. |
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// the unfortunate Frankenstein fish // |
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In German, "Stein" can mean several things, but two interpretations are "Castle" and "Stone". |
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"Frank-" means "french", thus "Frankreich" lit. "Kingdom of the french" which for inexplicable reasons is awarded an undeserved capital F. |
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So, stretching the translation only a little, "Frankenstein Fisch" can be literally rendered as "french stone fish". |
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This is rational; the stonefish is a very ugly and extremely venomous bottom-feeding grotesque; by inference, the french version would simply be uglier, smellier, lazier, and even more venomous . |
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We suggest that, if at all possible, the creation of Frankensteinfischen is avoided. |
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When fishing for them, should we use an inchworm or two and
a half centipedes? |
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Twenty-six and a half millipedes would be more accurate... |
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//an inchworm or two and a half centipedes?// You see, that proves the point. One whole inch is some messy non-integer number of metric units. If the french had thought about it at all, they'd have defined the centimetre as an integral multiple (eg, 1x) of the inch. |
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You on the other side of the pond have been getting on about this ever since we decided to choose our own president. |
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Of course, if we'd known how it was going to turn out, we may have reconsidered. |
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We over here are considering letting you guys re-join the Empire. However, there would have to be a few concessions. |
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I wouldn't want to waste 0.46 of a millipede, and so
a half of one is a good enough approximation for
fishing purposes. Besides, they do extend a bit
when you hook them. |
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Ped. A foot. Yes, there's a standard foot. |
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"In Imperial units, the foot was defined as 1/3 yard, with the yard being realized as a physical standard". The NPL keeps the standard. |
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(rare, genuine question) is there really still a
standard foot? - I thought all the standards had been
metricified |
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Yes, and it's under permanent guard by foot soldiers. |
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The foot and the yard were based on the length of the foot (obviously) and the stride of an English Monarch, and are therefore fundamental physical constants. |
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Isn't that a kind of butterfly? |
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Do they transport coconuts ? |
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//Danaiius Plexippus// That would be Danaiius plexippus (ignoring the italics). Specific names are not capitalised. |
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//I think I might have seen one once in Jamaica, but it looked a bit different and it went by quickly// Probably a rasta on a moped, then. |
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// I thought I might be spelling it incorrectly. // |
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There are only just the two letters, [IT], and they're the same as
your initials; "i" followed by "t". The opportunities for getting the
word wrong really are fairly limited. Perhaps you could have
them tattooed on the back of your hand, if you really are in need
of a reliable aide-memoire ? How long since you last had a check-
up to screen for incipient Alzheimer's ? |
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Your're among friends here - don't be afraid to speak up and
admit that you're losing the plot. We want to help (after we finish
sniggering, and making snide comments about you behind your
back, though). |
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