h a l f b a k e r yI CAN HAZ CROISSANTZ?
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I have a fear. Imagine being found by your family with your member in hand, protein stained spankerchiefs at your side, dead from a heart attack.
I have developed a means by which you will never be found in such a state.
Fill a large saucepan with cooking oil and place on the stove on high heat. Lay
on the floor (with your spankerchief at your side) in front of the stove. Bring forth your population-paste in your own style. When finished, get up and turn the stove off.
When the day finally comes that you keel over from heart failure mid-polish, as you lay there dead the oil will get hotter and hotter and eventually burst into flames and overflow and incinerate your body and maybe your house too. No evidence would be left.
Put a noose around your neck to disguise the situation further
https://en.wikipedi...wiki/Death_erection
I was going to say lie down on your front, but it seems that doesn't cause it. [notexactly, Apr 27 2017]
Reddit only now getting around to this idea
https://www.reddit...._the_watch_detects/
[normzone, Jun 05 2019]
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Well, I see your point. Although having survived one unnecessary kitchen fire started on accident by a pan of oil my lady forgot about, I'm not so sure about the method. |
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The fellow I know of was found dead of massive heart failure, dressed in the clothing of the opposite sex. I hope his shoes and belt went together well, and his colors were current. It was a terrible shock to his son that found him. |
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Dribble. Is school out, on a vacation, or have the kiddies just got their hands on computers for the first time? (Assuming they have stopped pissing and jerking off long enough to use it.) |
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if only michael hutchence knew of this |
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You have withstood the test of time, and good common sense, oh grasshopper, P. |
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When you understand you *are* already a baker, you may stop seeing yourself from the outside, in. |
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I'd have trouble getting off with the sound of my future body burn bubbling above my head. |
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However, for those who whack and eat, throwing some sliced potatos in the pan would really kill quite a few birds. |
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Sorry, just read "spankerchief", and got caught laughing. Males, did not know there was a term for that. Oh my god. |
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Elitefingerburn isn't for everyone. |
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Not one mention of monkeys? now there is. |
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//However, for those who whack and eat// Now *that* is gross. |
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+ for use of alliteration - population-paste |
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<Excerpt from the 'Backwoods Informer'> |
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A male identified only as "EliteFingerBurn" has been rushed to hospital. Details have still to be confirmed by police, but it appears that he was performing onanism in his bedroom when he realised that there was a kitchen fire on the floor below. Running downstairs still erect, he grabbed a flaming pan of oil off the stove which slipped from his grasp, covering his penis and legs in burning oil. In a statement to the press made while naked in the ambulance he said "For god's sake please don't print those photos". |
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Turn to pages 4 and 5 for the pictures. |
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I have a fear -- sex is better than I imagine. |
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//Turn to pages 4 and 5 for the pictures// |
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..and for the full scoop regarding the short clip involving monkeys please use our secure online ordering ..... |
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For some reason, I read the title and instantly thought about a cheese grater, a nun, and a gigantic owl. |
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Horace was shy...timid, in fact. He stood alone in the dark, afraid to turn on the light for fear of what he might see in the mirror. He gritted his teeth..."No time like the present..." he sighed. The click of the switch and there he stood in the glaring light of the naked bulb. The stark shadows made it all the more hideous. He felt his face flushing with the embarrassment. Yes...he was erect and it was glorious and disgusting all at the same time. He quickly flipped off the switch...Carefully, he turned and began a slow walk to the kitchen..."Gawd!" he thought..."what if my mum caught me like this...the shame!" He opened the cupboard...the oil, the pan...the range...and an idea was emerging...Oh...sure it was a crazy idea. But, out of the darkend kitchen, the sense of it bagan to flood over his cranium. "Hmmmm...this might actually work..." he thought wistfully. He struck the match, chasing the sinewy fingers of darkness aside. |
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I really don't know what to say to that. |
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I think we now know why they call him [Blisterbob]. |
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I'm against this just because of the
suspicion that would be generated by
perfectly normal house fires that the
occupants had been frenziedly wanking. |
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I'd be afraid of just falling asleep afterwards and die unecessarily. |
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You'd probably wake up when the hot oil started sputtering. |
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welcome to hb - blisterbob. I never, ever thought I would say that. but then I have said all sorts... |
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hippo, I kept thinking that you said house flies. |
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night night, world and the rest of you guys. |
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Night po, remember to turn off the gas... |
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off out to find cheap petrol. |
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wag, remind me to slap you in the morning... |
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[bliss]Oddly enough, school is just back in, at least in the UK. God knows why he's chosen now to strike. |
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For the record, I am also a schoolboy. |
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Anno bun for [Pa`ve]'s well observed, "This is not subtle." which made me laugh out loud. |
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Bit paranoid arent we - Elitefingerbun? |
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//if only michael hutchence knew of this// |
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Why is it every time you comment on something, I feel like saying "EEEEeeeewwwww"? |
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I usually feel like saying that every time someone informs me that they've just shit their pants. |
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Then I won't tell you what I did to my shirt. |
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NO no, Pllleassseee, tell us! |
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Thats why you notify a close buddy. In the event that they don't hear from you within a certain time frame they can check on you. In the event that you perish with a smile on your face, your friend can clean you up and then call an ambulance. |
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Masturbation is a healthy habit, but it doesn't quite replace a healthy diet and excercize. Also, there's no reason to make the rest of your family homeless just because you fear being caught dead masturbating. [-] |
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Actually, it's no laughing matter. 78% of
college dorm fires are started this very
way. |
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I did not make this figure up. It was
verified by highly trained scienticians. |
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thanks flux, I'm a better person for reading this |
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I think this is the first time I've liked an idea and yet not wanted to bun it. Ambivalence is a strange creature. |
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You had me at "population-paste" |
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Beware: You may have a Pavlovian response to TGIFridays or other food establishments. Either that or you may condition to the point that you require fries in order to become aroused.... |
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"78% of college dorm fires are started this very way." |
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So we are left with 22% of the original intake intact (presuming the above tactic was successful). Pass rate at 50% (generous). At least we now know why there is a worldwide shortage of skills. And they say masturbation is harmeless. I am off to enroll (again). Graduating will be a wank in the park. |
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Who would possible fishbone this idea?
420 of my colleagues came together in a g20 type
setting. After hours of deliberation we can find no
fault whatsoever with this idea. In fact our next
meeting will be to name a day after you. Or at the
very least we will petition to have the word
"masturbating" replaced with "Elitefingerbunating"
So now let us all heat the oil and have a wonderful
time Elitefingerbunating until the sun comes up or
the house burns down! |
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//So now let us all heat the oil and have a wonderful time Elitefingerbunating until the sun comes up or the house burns down!// Theres really nothing to do in Canada, I gather. |
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Plenty to do here, if you bring the oil I'll show you |
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Actually I'm going for the opposite effect. If I have
sufficient forewarning of my death, I plan to don
lederhosen and a snorkel, scatter a few small dead
mammals around the bedroom, glue Smarties to my
nipples and leave people wondering. |
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I helped some friends clean the home of a young friend who died in a car accident, and I mentioned that it was one of the reasons I chose not to keep a porn collection. |
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One of my young friends expressed a sentiment similar to yours - He said he'd keep a big stack of the weirdest things he could find under his bed to leave his friends wondering. |
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Rentisham's Traditional Flenting Wax works to ease
friction during masturbation as well as an excellent
accelerant for the frying pan. Yes Rentisham's
Traditional Flenting Wax is now saving people
embarassment while still providing the expected level
of comfort. |
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I can't believe I used to talk like that. Ha! |
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Write the name of a person you hate on your body
with permanent marker (keeping the marker close
by). That will make your death suspicious, and the
hated person highly suspect, despite the confusing
evidence of self service. |
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I just noticed "Masturbation Nightmare" now has a
'double boner'. |
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I don't really like this idea. I don't fancy masturbating in the cold floor of the kitchen. And burning down a perfectly good house just for the sake of avoiding shame seems slightly overkill. Especially because after being dead it doesn't really matter. I would bet your inheritors would rather keep the house and your collection of rare stamps and ignore that last indiscretion. |
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I envisage a fetishisation of the cooking oil method. The knowledge that the house may well burn down if you don't come quickly enough will become a sexual stimulus in it's own right. From there, people will start using ever more volatile ingredients instead of cooking oil in order to achieve ever faster orgasms. The world will burn whilst the human race wanks itself silly.
Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Oh yes, yes! Oh no! Oh Jesus! Oh fuck! <BLAM!> |
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hilarious and ridiculous. Bun |
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You could also just have a napalm bomb with detonator, attached to either a camera with person-recognizing computer (notices if you die) or a heart-monitor trigger (detonates when your heart stops for a long enough time) |
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Wow. I'm going to miss [DrBob]. |
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Really society should cherish people however they die. No I
mean punish them. It's God's will. I'm a catholic, so I'm
dead against the cremation part too. Like CSI touch nothing
unless wearing rubber gloves. No just touch nothing. The
dead should lie in state after death for several days and
nights Exactly As they were found. All Catholics believe
this. . A glass hearse should also carry you in state through
town with a band and around a crowded stadium. |
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// You could also just have a napalm bomb with
detonator, attached to either a camera with person-
recognizing computer (notices if you die) or a heart-
monitor trigger (detonates when your heart stops for a
long enough time) // |
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I would rather have it trigger a defibrillator. |
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... whereas for you, everyone else would much prefer the napalm. |
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An intelligent lassie-kind of dog could well be trained to
clean up the awful death scene. e.g. Nuzzle your spent
member back into your trousers, or bite it off (you won't be
needing it), swallow the spankerchief and switch off the
porn feed with its paw. If you were a lady, it could pull out
the offending tool and bury it safely in the garden. Or
about twenty dogs could just eat your body completely |
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Trouble is I don't like dogs, so I'll take the saucepan |
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When I was a lad I saw a television advert for a dandruff shampoo. The ad want on about correcting this embarrassing problem and I thought to myself, "If that happened to be I wouldn't give the tiniest care to it". It wasn't until later I realized the ad was intended to instill said embarrassment into the watcher. The effect of this idea is similar to the intent of that ad. |
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