h a l f b a k e r y"More like a cross between an onion, a golf ball, and a roman multi-tiered arched aquaduct."
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When old style TVs acted up, it was customary practice to give them a bash with the edge of a clenched fist, in order to somehow correct the fault. Blows were variously directed at the side panels or the top of the set. The odd thing about this behaviour was that it often resulted in rectification of
the fault.
The modern TV is sadly not capable of responding to this method for a combination of reasons, and so the viewer, finding themselves perhaps enraged or frustrated with that which he/she is watching, must either simply endure or change channels.
Mallet Vision corrects this loss of previous corporal satisfaction.
It arrives in the form of a laminated box, very similar to an old style TV into which you slot your new slim-line, flat screen set. Inside the box is a small piece of circuitry that you must also connect to your existing TV.
Once in place your set now resembles a 1970s style analogue TV, except of course it retains all of the benefits of the flat screen, but these have now been supplemented with some of the features of the "old system". This is because the outer casing has been rendered sensitive to a variety of blows and various other impacts, the results of which are transmitted to the flat screen.
You will find to your satisfaction that you can now pound your TV into behaving according to a set of pre-programmed instructions using either your fist or the handy mallet which comes with the box.
These new instructions include:
Make everything go fuzzy and emit the sound of roaring white noise!
Make all voices sound like Donald Duck with his head being held under water in a bucket!
Make everything look like it has been passed through a zigzag filter and there are mice running up and the down gaps!
Cause flies to appear buzzing around loudly, and crawling up the inside of the screen, some of which stand still for long enough to emit speech bubbles containing stupid comments!
There are of course many more, and firm-ware up dates called Mall-Aps can be downloaded at any time.
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My mallet TV can pound the picture off your TV. |
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You are missing the joy of an old TV that you used to be able to pound and abuse, unlike the flimsy new flat-screens. Except with this idea you get the best of both worlds. |
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You get the retro style box, which I predict will become de rigueur in the near future, AND you get all the benefits of an HD def screen, but you also get the added satisfaction of being able to pound it with your fist, or the specially designed mallet, to create a range of special effects when the need arises, without damaging it. What more could you want? |
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// What more could you want? // |
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A replaceable, thick polycarbonate shield in front of the actual screen, so it's possible to throw real, heavy, sharp,. nasty objects during Party Political Broadcasts without damaging the actual TV. |
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