h a l f b a k e r yBusiness Failure Incubator
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Door handles used to be made of brass, a copper alloy with
exceptional antimicrobial properties. Sadly, the world has since
installed much less practical and uglier handles made of stainless
steel, or heavens, plastic.
To mitigate the disease-spreading effect of modern substandard
surfaces,
I recommend doors now have two handles. One high &
one low. The heights will be set as to divide the local population
roughly in half. The handles will be linked internally so that both
open the door with equivalent efficacy. Naturally, this will halve
the number of people touching each handle and restrict the
spread of hand germs to two independent pools, the tall pool
and the short pool.
This should save one pool in the event of a deadly hand germ
plague in the other. Sadly, medium sized people will be viewed
with deep mistrust and probably persecuted by the surviving
pool of tall/short Earth inheritors.
Footles are baked
http://cdsmetalwork...or-the-foot-handle/
And a very good idea too [wagster, May 13 2020]
[link]
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This will half-solve a serious problem while at the same time
making doors weird. [+] |
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Doubling the number of handles on each side from 1 to 2 halves the number of people touching each handle and therefore halves the risk of dying horribly from a terrifying disease. |
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Therefore doubling the number of door handles on each side from 2 to 4 has a similar halving effect. |
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I think there are other risks involved in opening a door, including the hinges breaking and you being crushed by the door, or there being an alligator on the other side. I think that a careful risk-assessment of each potential risk will quite quickly calculate the optimum number of handles required on each side to reduce the risk of disease transmission to within the background risk of other unlikely things. |
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I think everybody should carry their own doorhandle. |
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Why not have automatic sliding doors that make an interesting "swissssh ... swissssh" noise when they open and close ? |
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What if there are two doors, and behind one is a chest of treasure, and behind the other is certain death, and there are two guards, one of whom always tells lies, and the other only tells the truth, and you can only ask one guard one question ? |
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As a fringe benefit, tall people can use the lower handle on
their own doors as a spare coat hook. Sadly the shorter people
will not have this extra functionality. |
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Sadly ? Short people deserve everything they get; it's clearly their own fault. |
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The obvious solution for everyone (except
wheelchair users, whom most people forget when
designing door openings), is a foot ‘handle’. |
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That would be a footle? Shirley? |
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Ah yes, yet another of [xenzag]'s Entertaining Services for Sophisticated and Discerning Gentleman Clients .... |
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//I think everybody should carry their own doorhandle.// |
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It's more stylish to wear a pair of heavy boots with "ADMIT ONE" engraved into the sole, surmounted by a swastika. |
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Foot handles have been around for a while but may be
making a comeback now. They're actually a great idea for
people carrying boxes as well as people who don't want
Covid. They require decent doorframes and hinges though. |
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//You don't work them with your hands. Should call them
"footles?"// Comments, you can
read them with your eyes. |
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<Obligatory Blade Runner quote> |
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"If only you could see what I've seen with your eyes." |
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wags is right, no wait, Toaster has got it spot on, no
wait bs0u0155, your idea is perfect, but wait xen
thought of it first, Wow, what a collection of genuis
here. |
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Now one of you make them/it/some. |
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Oh no blissy, we're just the ideation team. Production is
situated elsewhere in... erm... somewhere else. |
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//Footles are baked// With those grips, I see a possible shoe event horizon. |
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If you were to have automated doors, then to have things to
converse with while maintaining social distancing, the doors
would be imbued with personalities, and of course then
quickly become self-satisfied little gits with annoyingly
cheery dispositions. "Hrrmmmmmmmm... Ah! Thank you!" |
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Me (approaching automatic voice-activated door): "open!"
Door: ....
Me "Open!"
Door:...
Me: "open please!"
Door: "too late now sonny, if you'd said that first time you'd have been fine."
Me: "...please?"
Door: "not without a full apology"
Me: "oh for god's sake, the door is asking me to apologise to it"
Door: "Feck off you runt" <click of mechanism locking> <too-obvious click of speaker being switched off> |
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^ [+] but Hal would never be so impolite. Chilling, implacable calm is much more disconcerting. |
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// I see a possible shoe event horizon. // |
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Can we interest you in a very nice pre-owned Shoeshop Intensifier Ray, limited hours, one careful owner ? |
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