Least Haunted

As the setting sun caught fire against a blue sky inked with ominous clouds, a group of nervous visitors tremulously made their way through the sunburst wrought iron gate of No. 23 Pondicherry Close, Acton, led by the well-known medium Artemis Moonfire Stott.

The green-painted door of the compact West London terraced house opened smoothly and Artemis led the group inside with no interference from spectral beings whatsoever. Not a floorboard creaked as they climbed the stairs, accompanied by the house owner Mrs Irene Pugh, to investigate the reports of non-paranormal activity in Our Tracey's bedroom or as the braver of the group levitated to the attic to try and make contact with the spiritual presence of Mrs. Pugh's mother Winnie as she read a Barbara Cartland in the shadowy far corner.

After several incidents where the chink of a tea cup on a saucer could clearly be heard, and voices in the next room indicated the presence of Irene's husband Ron channelling Jeremy Clarkson, the intrepid ghosthunters departed with a huge sense of achievement at almost having a real ghostly encounter.

As the door closed behind them, Irene and the family took off their human suits, hung them up in the hitherto unnoticed priest hole and twirled their ectoplasms happily as they settled down to a nice séance with the poltergeists from No. 47.