h a l f b a k e r yI never imagined it would be edible.
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As some of you may be not unaware, I have an ongoing
issue with moles - the little mammalian buggers. Over
time, their collapsed tunnels and underadequately-
removed molehills lead to an uneven lawn surface.
One solution is to use a lute (a wide board on the end of
a
pole) to spread fine
topsoil - the lute distributes the soil
into any dips. However, this process tends to raise the
whole lawn to the level of the highest point. It also
means
that, in a mere century or two, the entire lawn will be
above roof level.
Enter, therefore, the Lawn Zamboni. Equipped with both
GPS and inertial sensors, and an ultrasonic sensor for
mapping the surface of the ground, this remarkable
lawnmower-sized device is simply pushed around over
the
lawn. As it goes, it builds up a precise 3D image of the
entire lawn surface.
Some simple onboard computerology then determines
the
ideal lawn profile, allowing for gentle slopes and curves.
Now, as the Lawn Zamboni passes over the lawn, a set of
hollow tines punch out cores of earth from high-spots,
macerate them to a fine tilth, and dump them into a
storage hopper. When the LZ encounters an undesirable
dip or hollow, it deposits a small amount of this earth.
The small holes left in the high spots soon collapse when
it
rains, gradually lowering the high spot without ever
leaving a large bare area. Equally, the small amounts of
soil deposited in low spots settle through the grass,
gradually filling the dip without smothering the grass.
After a few weeks of repeated use, the lawn is thus
brought to an ideal smoothness, with only gentle
undulations.
Indeed and furthermore, the Zambonizing apparatus
could be combined with a regular lawnmower, so that
the Zambonification took place at the same time as
mowing.
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We are deeply offended ... were our efforts with the slurry pump and the tanker-load of ANFO unsatisfactory ? We are absolutely sure that after the detonation all the moles had been completely eliminated. |
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Spectroscopic analysis of the fallout cloud definitely indicated the presence of fragments of mole DNA. |
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Hmm... I thought the usefulness of ANFO was generally limited to dry environments - so, not well-watered lawns, for example. |
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No, the modern gelatinized blends are remarkably water-resistant and can be injected into relatively wet boreholes without significant degradation. However, it's best if the delay between stemming and initiation is kept to a minimum. |
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It's because they're not a simple slurry, but an emulsion - in oil, not water. The particle sizing and the proportions of heavy and light hydrocarbons are important, as are the specialised additives. |
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//our efforts with the slurry pump and the tanker-
load of ANFO// |
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Ah, I did wonder what that "pop" was coming from
the nor' by sou'east putting range. |
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I think it would be useful to send an away team to Chernobyl to see
what radiation level corresponds with the cessation of mole activity.
And, perhaps, discover what they mutate into at such levels - I don't
want to try out the reactor-waste lawn treatments if the moles just turn
into gammabison. |
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I have this theory that moles actually evolved from
Welsh coalminers exposed to subterranean uranium
ores. |
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I would also like to point out that "subterranean
uranium" is a lovely phrase. |
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If you run over the mole with the zamboni, you
might end up with zamboni zombification. |
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"Attack of the Killer Giant Mutant Zombie Moles" .... now there's a B-movie to rival Night of the Lepus ... |
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You could just get some kind of tall grass then use a laser to always make the tops of the grass completely even on a plane, above the undulating soil. Another advantage is that this might support satellite based lawn management technologies. |
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Actually I tried to think of a way to persuade rodents to avoid food factories other than bait traps. One possibility was LSD-like bait stations, with contraceptives, near the factory then a kind of LSD antidote at the farthest area of the field. I thought they might learn to find food near the antidote baits rather than near the factories. It is that whole ethical vegetarian thing. Most of the population replenishment would be as far from the factory as possible |
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//You could just get some kind of tall grass// Ah,
but that would defeat the object of having a
smooth,
neat, and above all closely-clipped lawn. It would
also be no good for walking on. |
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All I ask is for moles to be elsewhere. There are
very large parts of the UK that qualify as
"elsewhere" from my perspective, so it seems
vindictive of the little bastards to decide to make
themselves at home under my lawn. |
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I see the problem Max, you're using a lute when the best
tool to drive the little buggers away is either a violin or a
bagpipe. |
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It appears that a little confusion has arisen. Bagpipes are a weapon, not a tool; it is the human operating the bagpipes who is considered the "tool". |
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It's a subset: All weapons are tools but not all tools are
weapons. |
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All bagpipe operators are, however, tools ... |
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