Junk Mail Softener

Living in an area with a high number of takeaway restaurants (and with an election coming up), I get a lot of junk mail. It makes a nice floor covering but is rather slippery, being all made of expensively shiny paper.

This same expensive shininess prevents it from being much use to anyone once it has fulfilled its primary purpose, viz. informing me that the Guru Balti does free delivery (something I knew already, but thanks anyway).

The Junk Mail Softener is a box which bolts to your front door, just underneath the letterbox, with a slot in the top to allow entry of glossy junk mail. Inside is a rotating drum, half-submerged in an enzyme soup which eats glossiness (that was the science bit - go on, read it again). With the paper inside the drum thingy, it can then be rotated by a little motor so that the glossy leaflets are submerged in the enzyme gunk for the precise length of time required for the enzymes to munch their way through the nasty processed paper, leaving only the wood pulp behind - a soft, gauzy, tissue-like paper which I can use to wipe my arse. Then I need never buy toilet paper again, since I have a copious supply delivered direct to my door, fresh each day.

Better make sure those pesky enzymes don't eat pants, is all.