h a l f b a k e r yExpensive, difficult, slightly dangerous, not particularly effective... I'm on a roll.
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The latest BorgCo development in superfunctional clothing is the new all-bases-covered air travel garment.
Carefully designed not to stand out in the check-in queue, this tough, fireproof, waterproof coverall is designed to slightly improve your chances when It All Goes Horribly Wrong.
If the
problem is an in-flight fire, pull up the hood and don the integral smoke mask; the suit will protect the wearer from heat and fire, and provide a better quality of air to breathe*.
Should the problem be ditching, forget the lifejacket-under -your-seat lecture; you're already wearing one. Just make your way to the nearest exit (using the handy extending baton, made of dense plastic to club your way through), exit the aircraft, and deploy the buoyancy pack. The water-soluble outer coating washes off within seconds, revealing the brilliant orange hi-vis outer layer of the suit, while the integral transmitter starts to squawk on an suitable distress frequency.
If it's dark, the xenon-strobe distress lamp will also start to blink; if not, then the chest-mounted photovoltaic panel will be merrily recharging the batteries in preparation for night-time.
Should less fortunate passengers or crew attempt to use you as some sort of buoyancy aid, then you may find the baton still attached to your wrist by a lanyard to be quite useful in beating them off, and securing a place in any life raft that may perhaps be drifting by.
Since the garment is suitably discreet, it's likely that by the time the rest of the punters spot that what you're wearing is not the normal t-shirt and jeans, they will have other thoughts on their minds, however briefly.
The optional-extra "hand luggage" looks like a regular small holdall, but in fact contains a semi-automatic emergency parachute which clips onto the "epaulettes" of the suit.
* the DeLuxe version incorporates a small oxygen cylinder which provides an extended breathing option for both smoky conditions and for submerged escape.
[link]
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What if you crash land in a bear nest? |
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Spray any injured passengers with honey from the supplied aerosol can, then run away. |
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And if there's more bears than injured passengers? |
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Spray the bears, too. Or injure sufficient undamaged passengers to ensure a successful getaway. |
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This is a survival situation - don't go chasing after moral absolutes. |
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Hmmm. This looks pretty watertight. |
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Yes, around the wrists and collar. When the hood is pulled down and zipped, that's watertight and airtight, apart from the smoke filter and the integral snorkel. |
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The footwear is integral with the garment, although this is far from obvious. |
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Oh great. So I can drown in the suit with no way for
the water to escape? |
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There are valves in appropriate locations. |
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You didn't point that out. Nor the honey spray.
Your marketing strategy isn't very good, really. |
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We're technology-driven. Our attempts to recruit staff for sales and marketing have not been blessed with success. There seemed to be some objection to the tar and feathers, the ducking-stool, and the pillory. |
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Perhaps on reflection the interview process was slightly too stringent, although there were no actual directly attributable fatalities, despite what the coroner said at the inquests. |
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//The water-soluble outer coating washes off within
seconds// |
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So, once you put it through the washing machine, it
is no longer inconspicuous, right? |
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Whilst the xenon-strobe is quite efficient it does lack in entertainment value. |
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I suggest a backpack tesla organ be included. You can while away the hours while waiting to get picked up by playing a few of your favourite tunes, and the lightning flashes should attract the attention of rescuers. |
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Also double up as covert lighting bolt device, which electrocutes remaining surviving passengers, so leaving the rescuers only one person to rescue, so minimising your time in the briny, and taxpayer's money. Huzzah. |
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Look, this entire line of inquiry was flawed from the start:
bears don't live in nests, they live in dens. |
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But that's the point. Bears aren't particulalrly
social; a bunch of bears stuck in a nest are
likely to be a trifle tetchy, to say the least. |
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Well, Rob Ford of Toronto is publicly
modelling his "I've Gone All Pear Shaped"
range so you've got a precedent right there. |
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//bears don't live in nests, they live in dens.// |
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I think you may be mistaken. The bears _that you
know about_ don't live in nests. But they're not the
ones you need to worry about. |
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I think they call this a force field. |
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