I Speak Your Length In Tongues

I Speak Your Length In Tongues is the collective name given to two new measuring tapes.
The Old Testament tape is for measuring longer distances, and the New Testament tape is for the shorter measures. (ie less than 10 feet)

The big difference between these tapes and that of any other is that they speak out the distance in a commanding biblical voice (complete with appropriate references) when the lock button is pressed. Here's a brief description of how they work:
The tapes will only measure between the extended end point (0) and to the exact width of the device itself. Running the Old Testament tape along the length of a table for example produces this result: the voice speaks these words "the length given by the Lord is 2' and 5", which is the same size as the wooden angles used by Noah to reinforce the doors of the giraffe enclosure on his flood rescue ark"

New Testament tape produces similar Biblical references derived from that set of texts. e.g. length of the fishbones from the Loaves and Fishes feeding the 5,000 story.

The information is of course all stored in a comprehensive digitised data base that assigns a biblical equivalent to every measured value, and is delivered via a volume and tone contolled speaker.

Naturally there are equivalent measuring devices for other religions and for those like me who are total non-believers in anything, there are other references such as The Combined Writings of Flann O'Brien, Samuel Beckett and William Shakespeare. These create examples such as: "this is the same length as the handlebar width of Sergeant Pluck's bicycle in The Third Policeman"