Hysteria for the greater good.

Did you know a dangerous new chemical has leaked into our tap water? It causes dementia, starting with mild headaches, irritation, and paranoia and ending in madness and death. It has been found in Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, Washington DC, and Wilmington, DE and it's spreading rapidly.

It's harmless only to people who perform more than 20 minutes of vigorous activity daily.

There's a different pollutant in the air and this one will kill you unless you eat certain antioxidants (found in most vegetables) in sufficient quantity. The danger is so high that doctors are recommending at LEAST 50% of your diet should consist of vegetables.

A little known symptom of frequent computer use is the production of Melatonin byproducts that can cause serious harm. It happens when you look directly at that kind of light too long. The only way to be safe is to sleep more than seven hours a night.

Terrorists are threatening the nation! unless we can cut gasoline usage by 24% in the next year the president won't have enough oil to fight them and they'll kill us all! We must buy lighter vehicles!