Hotel Paranoid's Paradiso

Hotels are a great convenience for travellers; but they do have a lingering sense of insecurity.

Other people have a key to your room; who slept in this bed last ? Is someone listening to your telephone conversations ? Are there hidden microphones and cameras in that so called "smoke detector" with the little red LED on it ? Can 'they' feed some sort of gas though that air conditioning duct, while you're sleeping ?

If you are assailed by such doubts, book your next stay at a branch of Hotel Paranoid's Paradiso. Tunneled deep into rock, the room is accessible only through a single tunnel; if you doubt this, there's a handy penetrating radar scanner so you can check the wall integrity (or bring your own - you never know who's tampered with the stock one.

In reception, instead of a plastic swipe card, you get a kit of parts to allow you to construct two mortice locks and a padlock, with a file so you can make your own keys; you first task is to assemble your own unique locks and install them in the door. Since gthey are unique, only YOU have a key.

There's no restaraunt, no room service. Guests are advised to bring a trolley loaded with bottled water (buy each bottle separately from the third row back on the shelf at different supermarkets), cylinders of compressed air, containers of food, and a supply of batteries for your flashlight (or glow sticks).

No telephone; no TV; no radio. The only electromagnetic fields are the ones you bring with you - unless you elect to install your own security cameras on the brackets liberally distributed for that purpose thoughout the establishment.

The door - of heavy armour steel, complete with mill certificate - has a narrow slit at a convenient height to be used both for observation and as a firing port for the arsenal of personal weapons you no doubt include in your "travel essentials".

Two clients can, if they wish, share a room. Only one single bunk is provided however, since only one is required; while one client sleeps, the other will of course be standing guard, turn and turn about, every four hours.

NB: Note that the Hotel has a strict dress code; Aluminium foil underwear (including hat), camouflage (urban, desert, arctic or standard DPM) clothing, boots, ammunition belts, veil, mask or chemical warfare respirator to suit.