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A doorbell, best fixed to the doorframe with a couple of thick, rusty squarehead nails, consisting of a broken circuit touchplate at rear and a real life hog's nose, possibly plastinated, possibly rotting, mounted over the touchplate. Simply insert a finger into the each of the nostrils and press, to
complete the circuit. The bell is available in three sonic flavours: oink, moo and "Visitors, Jessie-maaaay!"
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This would be excellent, until you order home-delivery Indian curry one night and Dilip won't touch the doorbell. Then you'd have all the Hindus, Moslems and Jews staging a general strike claiming that the government has secretly placed pig grease on all of Btitain's doorways as a counter terrorism measure, and before you know where you are you've lost some of the home colonies after a full scale uprising. Bang goes your knighthood then, Mr [calum]. |
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Bun for the idea and two more for "sonic flavours". |
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"Sue-weeeeee!"
[cf] I think the Hindus would be OK, but it could upset the Bhuddists, thinking that could be their cousin up there.
[+] For sheer grossness. |
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Perhaps, Consul, what the non-discriminatory householder should have is a vertical array of animal snout bells, the animals of origin slaughtered in accordance with whatever religious regulations are appropriate, so that any person - Bhuddists excepted - who comes to the door has at least one acceptable nasal bell. |
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Recommend Mr [calum] of the Scottish Half(bap)bakery for KCMG - services to community, international relations, and some of the less attractive and lonely lasses down the pub. |
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Give the buddhists a stone to push. |
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