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We recently had an attempted burglary at our home, and a few days after the police attended we were sent a large 'home security pack' by the government which included a great many stickers that we were advised to put up - stickers which made false claims about our household security, such as 'Items of
value marked for police Identification' and 'House protected by electronic security.' I wonder how many people have 'Beware of the Dog' signs even though they only own a lazy old cat? Serious burglars aren't falling for it any more. It got me thinking... why not have large stickers or signs made up which really put burglars off like, 'Policeman lives here' or 'Member of a violent bikie gang lives here - burgle at own risk' ?
Example of Gruesome Iconic Warning Sign
http://www.cs.utexa...photos/hawaii6.html
Dangerous Shore Break [farble, Apr 12 2005]
(??) Safety Sign Creator
http://www.stclaire...ilder/ssb-panel.php
Build your own PDF signs with this site. Use bugmenot for the login. [Acme, Apr 13 2005]
G.N.O.M.E. Defense
G_2eN_2eO_2eM_2eE_2e_99_20Defense
Thanks for the nod [RayfordSteel] [ato_de, Apr 14 2005]
(???) Something like this?
http://us.news1.yim...51121/lnq051121.gif
Non-Sequitur [Laimak, Nov 22 2005]
at front of my house
Attack_20furniture_20on_20Patrol
death by furniture! [xenzag, Jul 06 2006]
This Place is Not a Place of Honor
http://www.damninteresting.com/?p=160
Yucca Mountain's proposed "Highly Inventive Deterrent Signs" are designed to send messages 10,000 years into the future... [land, Jul 09 2006]
"Our dogs are fed on Jehovah's Witnesses"
http://www.telegrap...7/28/nwitness28.xml
Apparently worked brilliantly, but the police were not amused. Shame. [Mr Phase, Jul 30 2006]
Kingdom of Loathing
https://itunes.appl...st/id432669965?mt=2
[normzone, Aug 25 2017]
Fixed Non-Sequitur link (Nov 21, 2005)
http://www.gocomics...sequitur/2005/11/21
[scad mientist, Aug 26 2017]
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Annotation:
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"MRSA Hotspot"
"Active subduction zone"
"To the egress" |
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[benfrost] !! That is so politically incorrect that it has taken my breath away! The correct term is Hansen's Disease. Report to the captain for a spanking. |
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Protected by G.N.O.M.E. defense systems. |
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Well, there's the ever popular "Home protected by Smith & Wesson" sticker I see from time to time. |
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I get a kick out of the "we call police" signs. Like we expect them to not call the police if someone broke in. |
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"This house has been specially blessed by a priest, a shaman and a rabbi. Burglars will be eaten alive by locusts, pursued by cannibals and struck by lightning." |
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...or you could stick biohazard tape across the gate when you go out. |
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"Warning! I haven't been able to get near enough the guard dog to feed him recently." |
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Hurriedly scribbled sign on door: "Melinda! Do NOT open the door or go in the house! Jim's damned cougars are loose inside again and are tearing up the place. I'm at the Smith's until I can reach Jim and get them back in the pen." |
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Have a long looped recording of big cat vocalizations playing inside just loud enough to be audible. |
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A Lada in the driveway, with a Sony Betamax manual visible on the back shelf? |
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Personally, I go in more for fake windows and doors, that open onto brick walls. |
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As a youth, I had a "Danger High Voltage" sign, perfectly valid almost anywhere, as there is static charge at least in the kilovolts nearly everywhere (at least in the high desert.) |
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And then my favorite, complete with flashing red LED, stating: "Caution! Radiation! 660nm" referring, of course, to the red light from the LED. |
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To be fair to burglers that can't read, the signs should be iconic, illustrating the gruesome consequences of attempted burglary. |
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Or you could leave a post-it note on your door, saying 'Dear Julie, Help ME! They came last night. I fear this shall be my last time I shal write to you. They're coming!...', and a dark red handprint on the edge of the note. The note should be written with 'Bleedin' Paper', and loads of red dye left about the place. I think that should be enough to deter anyone. |
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"We're home. Why not pop in and discuss God with us?" |
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Home of Marvin, the Paranoid Android. |
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[csea], I think I might make the radiation sign & put in the window next to the front door. I figure it will drastically reduce the number of door to door salesmen I have to deal with.
+ on this idea, also. |
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[bristolz] hahaha, that's fantastic |
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howbout a sign by the front door: "Jake's Skunk Breeding, est. 1982" |
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signs that advertise high end security attract burglars because it means there is actually something worth burglaring.
The stickers on my windows say "will work for food"
I don't get any disruptions |
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Advertize a firearms maintenance or custom ammunition business running out of the garage. |
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There's also the warning labels attached to the doors at my college's physics labs. High energy laser, cryogenic gas, flammable, explosive, biohazard, caustic, weapons-grade microwave, distorted spacetime... there are plenty to pick from. |
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"We're home. Why not pop in and discuss God with us? You can even meet him if you like." |
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They had stickers like these at the Army/Navy Surplus Store near my old house. I don't remember what they said, but they were usually pretty redneck. I'll just make up my own.
"We love burglars! Their heads look great by the elk's."
"Guns don't kill people, repeated blows to the back of the skull with a flashlight kill people."
"As per the Henderson Act, the resident herein is required to post the following information: Convicted sex offender, charged with Sexual Assault with a Deadly Weapon on an Intruder."
Oh, and my stepdad has a "My President is Charlton Heston" sticker on the back of his truck. I wouldn't go in there. |
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RayfordSteele, isn't Marvin depressed, not paraniod? |
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"Beware of warning signs" |
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[DesertFox] You mean Marvin the Paranoid Android? What do you think? |
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Always saying stuff like "Life, don't talk to me about life" and stuff. |
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He is depressed, not paraniod. It really irritates Arthur, Ford, and Zaphod, remember? |
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I'm talking HHGTTG Marvin. |
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Yes, he's manically depressed, but he's also known as the Marvin the Paranoid Android.
<anorak> He's first called "MTPA" in Fit the Fifth, when he phones from the car park of the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. </anorak> |
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Oh him from the *first* movie <snigger> |
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Warning: This sign has sharp edges. |
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"Home of the reverse Jehovah's Witness. Feel free to drop in" |
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Warning: This idea is a list. |
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Just a caution for those planning un advertising firearms as a defense. Firearms are a very popular target for thieves (at least in the U.S.) that have a criminal record and can't find a straw buyer.
My favorite however has always been "No Radio, Allready Stolen" |
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<HHGTTG>Beware of the Leopard</HHGTTG>.
Right at the start of the original radio series and the book. But you all knew that already. |
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I am concerned about any government that encourages it citzens to lie, under any circumstances. I guess politicians are so used to lying that all moral scruples have been totally surrendered... |
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I have a big sign on the front of my house that reads, WARNING: I sometimes forget to lock the back door. |
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My stuff keeps getting pinched, but sometimes that is the price of honesty... |
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"Visitors: Look out for my valuable collection of antique-but-still-operational sentry-guns." |
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"Guns don't kill people, I do." |
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[fhqwhgads], that'd be a very strange page layout. |
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"Sorry guys; the grow-op's next door. And did you hear the things the people over there said about you?" |
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The Non-Sequitur comic strip had a good one today. See link. |
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"Next door neighbours have solid gold
crockery" Might just work. |
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Or you could get a picture of a really
fat woman and put "Likes sex with
burglars" underneath. |
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Or, in a more severe manner, dig a 10ft
trench in your front garden, fill it with
spikey things, and put a fake patio on
top ... |
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+ signs in a foreign language might work well, like "slippery when wet" in Russian. |
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A comic did a quick bit on those "Protected by" stickers. He said he saw one which said "This house protected by a Radio Shack alarm system" (which I imagine was solely for the bit, because to the best of my knowledge, Radio Shack doesn't make alarms, but whatever). He went on to say, "I think that's a really great idea. This way, thieves will see the sign and tell their buddies to forget this house; they shop at Radio Shack!" |
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"I'm divorced, drunk, and lonely. Come on in." |
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or just a silhouette picture of a Trabbant. |
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30 Drury Lane, home to the local NRA Convention! |
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<---
Next-door neighbor
has no firearms.
Please don't hurt him. |
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did you know that it takes less than a
pound of pressure to puncture skin? |
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Been watching Firefly again, [tcarson]? |
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you caught me [norm]. remember, some
grenades would be useful right about now. |
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Too funny. I watched that episode last night. |
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Highly inventive detergent signs... |
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"Welcome to the home of Reverend Rabbi Margeret Thatcher, the world's greatest karate champion." |
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"Warning. This house will collapse around you." |
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Note on front door: Carrie,
The cops want to arrest Betty Jo for shooting that son of a *****. I think they might be watching the house, so you might want to come back tomorrow.
Signed,
T-Bone |
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Signs on Door- Eastside Halfway House S.O.S- Sexual Offender Services
DO NOT RING DOORBELL-Sleeping Mental Patients Reside Here |
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//did you know that it takes less than a pound of pressure to puncture skin?// A pound is a unit of weight and therefore (by extension) force, but not of pressure, surely? |
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This idea reminds me of the house we rented at uni, which was previously (up to right before we rented it) a martial arts shop. The front window still advertised this, and we left the signs there, figuring that would-be burglars would be deterred at the thought of finding highly-trained ninjas inside. |
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(For the first few months there, we also got phoned by people seeking martial arts tuition, which also provided opportunities for amusement.) |
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And we never did get burgled... |
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[spidermother] that was a quote from a
sci-fi, western series. |
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however, is psi not a measure of pressure?
pounds per square inch? |
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It seems Highly Inventive Deterrent Signs do little to deter the police from their irritating habit of wasting the public's time [linky] |
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"Hi. We knew you'd be coming tonight. Please smile to the camera." |
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"Lost: my pet python. Light and dark brown, about 7 feet long. Listens to the name Bubba." |
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"For sale: rottweiler pups. 4 weeks old." |
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"John: Jimmy sleeps downstairs tonight. Please be silent - if he starts crying once more, I'll flip." |
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Just build walls around your entire property, and a big iron gate that closes when a burglar alarm goes off. |
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"Poisonous Snakes: Watch Your Step!" |
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"This Sign Intentionally Left Blank" |
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I don't know how that would stop a burglar, but it irks me to see that written on paper. |
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Seen today on a workshop door: |
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"WARNING ! 21% Oxygen atmosphere beyond this point ! Ignition hazard - no smoking or naked flames." |
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//no smoking or naked flames// |
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This religious modesty has gone too far... |
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My favourite is a large wooden sign on a high post saying
"BEWARE OF ....." with the corner where the missing word
is raggedly chewed off. |
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My favourite is a large wooden sign on a high post saying
"BEWARE OF ....." with the corner where the missing word
is supposed to be raggedly chewed off. |
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"THIS AREA NOW PRESUMED CLEAR OF MINES AND UNEXPLODED ORDNANCE. KEEP CLOSELY TO MARKED PATH." on a rusty single-strand barbed wire fence is a surprisingly effective way of discouraging unwanted visitors. |
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Particularly if there's a partially-overgrown but unmistakable crater close by. |
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It's unwise to advertise in any manner that your house contains firearms - that's just burglar bait. |
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My front window contains the Kingdom of Loathing logo (link) with martini glass and sword, minus the podcast reference. |
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"These premises are subject to the provisions of the Dangerous
Wild Animals Act 1976. Entry is at your own risk". |
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I just have a card in the window with [8th]'s address printed on it. |
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" Danger - Mad inventors within " |
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This is number one in a series of postings repurposing extant ideas in an attempt to recruit new halfbakers |
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"No Trespassing - Survivors will be Violated" |
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Having thousands of clearly visible, highly agitated flies
trapped between inner and outer window panes, should
deter most malicious visitors of any kind. The simple notice
to reinforce the visual effect would read: Home Dissections
(bring your own jars) We also make our own energy drink,
and sell nice lampshades. |
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Saw a welcome-mat the other day which said "Our neighbours have better stuff than us." |
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I'm thinking that a [Free Hugs] sign would work well. |
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"HAVE YOU WELCOMED JESUS CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART ?" |
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"SAFE TO ENTAR - ALL SAFTY DEVICSES HAVE BIN CAREFLY CHECKED" |
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NOTICE: THE CITY OF SPRINGFIELD HAS CONDEMNED THIS
PROPERTY IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE CDC FOR ANTHRAX
CONTAMINATION. |
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With some biohazard warning labels and a fair amount of do-
not-cross tape. That should do it. |
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