h a l f b a k e r yExperiencing technical difficulties since 1999
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"In the event of an emergency, escape slides will be
automatically deployed. Women wearing highheeled
shoes
should remove them before using the slide, as the heels
can tear the fabric"
As a passenger, I was treated to this announcement on a
recent flight. I had two reactions:
1 — some
men may
wear high heels (not me, but I'm not judging anyone who
does, and I know a few)
2 — they could have added:
"Those wearing heels
should first slip on their High Heel Shoes Aircraft Escape
Slide Enablers, which will protect the slide from any
damage."
These are simply a pair of Teflon covered knobs (one size
fits all) that go over the sharp end of the high heels,
rendering them into something that can now glide across
the fabric of the aircraft's escape slide with no risk of
causing any
tearing.
[link]
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//Teflon covered knobs//*
[* not a euphemism] |
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A kind of spray-on quick-hardening foam* such as is used
for home insulation could be used for this and also for
people with spiky hair, sharp-edged jewelry/body piercings,
long fingernails, etc.
[* also not a euphemism] |
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"As the plane hurtled toward its demise, several
passengers final words were "these protective shoe
knob things simply don't match my hair colour" |
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Make 'em large enough and they could be used as flotation
devices. 'Boat shoes.' |
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// Make 'em large enough and they could be used as flotation devices // |
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Suitably sized to sustain an average adult weight in water would likely
result in the inversion of the individual, like a sailboat where the weighty
end points down and the not-so-weighty end points up. |
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([8th], you're not here to post these little quips but I'm trying my best) |
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//the weighty end points down// |
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That could be addressed with spray- on water wings at the
wrists. Or, for greater comfort, a whole spray- on boat. |
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As the aircraft approaches the water, nozzles around the
fuselage squirt out an enormous quantity of foam which acts
both as a shock- absorbing air bag and a buoyancy aid. And it
doesn't all get blown off in the slipstream because ... reasons
which I haven't thought of yet. |
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This would make wearing high heels completely pointless. |
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// because ... reasons which I haven't thought of yet // |
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You clearly know this place. |
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// completely pointless // |
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BWAHAHAHAHA!! Ahem, as you were. |
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Counterpoint: the "worst case" is that all passengers are
wearing high heels. Therefore, the plane must carry enough
"tips" for all passengers; this is a large volume & a lot of
weight.
So, airlines will never implement it.
Better to make the plane able to float (I mean, flying boats
are/were a Thing...). |
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Surely this si the wrong way round, Make the high heels useful, like having them full of compressed air or rocket fuel or something, or maybe telescopic springs. |
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No. You're not getting it. All aircraft offer a range
of extras that no passenger would carry themselves
in the case of an emergency. There is the oxygen
mask; there is the flotation vest with the whistle
and the topping up tube to blow into; and there is
the slide. The high heel enablers fall into this
category, and would be added to the
demonstration carried out pre take-off by the
cabin crew of the various safety features. In this
case, the removal of the Teflon protectors from
their sealed container would be shown, followed
by them being fitted to a pair of extra spiky heels.
There's no one on the plane who wouldn't pay
attention to the safety talk as they waited to see
this concluding feature. |
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Right, OK, but what about the people not wearing high heels? Does the kit include a pair of quick-attach spiky heels for the passengers wearing flats? |
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No; if you didn't bring stiletto heels, you should improvise
something out of the ceramic- bladed actual stilettos that you
smuggled past security. |
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You don't need to smuggle anything past security.
You can just carry a 7 inch screwdriver with
impunity. Don't believe me? Check the TSA
regulations for yourself. Oh and you can also bring
antlers on board with you - they're always useful to
have at close hand on a flight. |
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And of course you can get around the 'no liquids' policy by
freezing any liquid you want to carry on board |
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... using a dagger shaped mould? |
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Yes, or a small throwing axe mould for larger
volumes of liquid |
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There must be a use for the metal Gallium, that's
only a solid at temperatures less than 85.57°F |
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