HeightWatchers

Your species uses a somewhat contrived metric known as "Body Mass Index" to map an individual's height to an "ideal" range of body mass.

Those who fall outside the range are exhorted to take measures - exercise and/or food intake restriction - to reduce their mass and get back "on the curve".

However, this ignores a simple alternative. If your mass is too high, then to compensate all you need to do is increase your height in proportion.

So BorgCo are now offering - for very reasonable fees - the vertically disadvantaged who are afflicted by low self-esteem and poor body image a chance to take affirmative action without the need to diet. Just sign up to Height Watchers, and go along to the weekly sessions, where you'll receive enthusiastic help and encouragement, plus special exercise plans, to help you become taller.

No calorie-counting or weighing portions, no abstention from all those delicious fatty, sugary comestibles. Just stick with the programme - sleeping upside down suspended by your ankles, hanging by your fingers from door frames, regular sessions in the centrifuge. Every millimeter you stretch is a kilo you don't have to lose to attain your target ...