h a l f b a k e r yA dish best served not.
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A recent discussion here brought to my mind the fact that
although many people hope and expect to go to heaven,
post
mortem, nobody seems to have provided any of the basic
information you'd want when visiting or moving to another
place.
For example: do you need cash, or do cards work there?
What's the mains voltage and frequency, and what kind of
sockets do they have? What days do they collect trash, and
do
they recycle? Are cigarettes and alcohol reasonably priced,
or
should you stock up on duty free whilst outbound?
And, if you're going to be staying there permanently, do you
need health insurance? Is property free, available to
purchase, or rentable? Do they drive on the left or right? Is
there on-street parking? Are supermarkets open in the
evenings? Are there any early-closing days? The list just
goes
on and on. And on and on.
MaxGo. (a wholly-owned subsidiary of MaxCo., except for
tax
purposes) is planning to address this long-felt need by
creating
an informative guidebook (tentatively titled "Heaven - can
park") that addresses the nuts and bolts of making yourself
at
home in your celestial destination, whether as a visitor or an
eternal resident.
We have already written to several leaders from each of the
major faiths, seeking clarification on everything from local
transport to divine medical services. We continue to await
their replies. This book fills a much-
needed gap in the travel market, and we expect it to be on
the shelves in time for a Christmas.
An accurate guide to Hell
https://www.az.co.u...z-street-atlas.html
There's no escape ... [8th of 7, Apr 16 2019]
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Don't be concerned about your vehicle. Apparently they've paved Paradise, and put up a parking lot... |
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Will you be publishing the "Dead Rough Guide to Hell" as a companion volume ? |
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Don't forget to include information on cellular phone and data coverage, particularly roaming charges. |
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//do you need cash, or do cards work there?// |
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//What's the mains voltage and frequency, and what kind of sockets do they have?// |
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//What days do they collect trash, and do they recycle?// |
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//Are cigarettes and alcohol reasonably priced, or should you stock up on duty free whilst outbound?// |
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//if you're going to be staying there permanently// |
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//do you need health insurance?// |
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Of course not. You're dead. |
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//Is property free, available to purchase, or rentable?// |
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Property is infinite and subject only to your imagination. |
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//Do they drive on the left or right? Is there on-street parking?// |
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''Are supermarkets open in the evenings?// |
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//Are there any early-closing days?// |
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If the journey continues, gotta cross the nothing gap on your own, to avoid being just another travel client. |
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Doesn't The god, help those who help themselves? Any guide, I imagine, will be on the label of one's own Klein bottle of life. |
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Are there translator services? My King James
English isn’t much better than my Greek or
Aramaic. |
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//Are there translator services?// Exactly! You can't even
find out what language you need until you get there and,
without knowing whether you can download books, your only
option is to pack an unfeasibly large number of phrasebooks.
Obviously, one would assume it's English, but there's no
guarantee. It's unbelievable that the place is run the way it is
- it's worse than the old Soviet Union. |
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If course it's English. Everyone knows that God is English. Church of England, see ? |
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Obviously in ancient times he had to talk to the natives in their funny foreign jabber because it's all they understood, but he's nothing if not progressive and gave the world the KJV (The book, not the battleship). |
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I believe there is a series on Netflix that addresses all of this.
I started watching but couldn't get into it. The Good Life,
maybe? |
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You'll be needing a fire extinguisher where you're
going with 8th as your guide to the lower regions
Max. |
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If Max needs a guide to the "lower regions", he need look no further than his benighted siblings. We can't hold a candle to them ... well, we could, but not a lit one. Sturton's liking for an idiosyncratic tipple based on AVGAS, methylated sprit, Carlsberg Special Brew and what is probably Skydrol 500 hydraulic fluid (hard to tell, some of it spilled down the outside of the can and stripped the label off) plus his rather doubtful imbibing technique (resulting in his garments being soaked in the stuff most of the time) mean that he, and everything in his immediate vicinity, constitutes a serious fire hazard. |
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Enough with the inflammatory remarks, [8th]. |
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... said the man in the Nomex suit, carrying a fire extinguisher in each hand ... |
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Seriously, Sturton may be an alcoholic (in the same sense that
the Pacific may be a large body of water), but he has the means
and motive to drink only at a very high level. He says you can
tell a £1500 hangover from a £15 one, and he prefers the former. |
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He does, it's true, make large amounts of money from "I bet you
can't drink that" type of challenges, but he has never actually
ignited. The closest he got to combustion was in a strip club in
Los Cabos when he accepted two such challenges in rapid
succession, involving sadly incompatible liquids. He thought it
quite likely that he'd been set up, and that the two challengers
were in cahoots and were hoping to witness some sort of
gastrointestinal apocalypse. |
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The guide is going to have to be encyclopedic due to the size of the multiverse and levels of intricate possibilities there in. |
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Of course, a way transmogrifying( even through fire) from the mentioned human-centric plane of existence examples will be very personal. |
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// Will you be publishing the "Dead Rough Guide to Hell" as a companion volume ? // |
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Apparently there is Prior Art in that area, and it's not from Dante either. |
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Having died a while back, and returned because I really
hated the place, I can assure you that none of this is
necessary. |
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Heaven, such as it is, turns out to be the same for
everyone. It's a gigantic trailer park, in surroundings that
look a lot like the fever swamps of the Florida Panhandle,
where the only bottled liquid for drinking is a no-name
brand bourbon. |
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You will find your trailer is not only used, but used for
target practice by your neighbours, all of whom have
been issued with assault rifles that can't kill you (you're
already dead) but can create holes in the roof that let
the rain in and the mosquitoes out, after they have
eaten. |
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All backed by a looped recording of Billy Ray Cyrus singing
"Achy Breaky Heart", 24 hours a day. |
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The true death is an event horizon, no come backs. You did something, maybe close, maybe not, but you're still here. |
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Sturton has been pronounced dead at least twice. The
conservative view is that he was just sleeping like a newt. |
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" He's only mostly dead!" |
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I think that the problem with heaven is that everyone is
trying to get to the bar. Sound advice would be to leave
before the rush. |
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//everyone is trying to get to the bar// and yet, oddly, there
are no lawyers to be seen. |
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Can Sturton show us around? |
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I'm sure he'd be diluted. |
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//Billy Ray Cyrus singing "Achy Breaky Heart" |
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No relation to "Hurty finger"? |
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Damn you, [Ubie], guess what song is now going around in my
head? |
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Here, let me help... just think of Miley Cyrus twerking
to "baby shark... doo doo do-do- do-
do" |
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Heaven and hell are the same exact place. Like the real
world. But there significant bliss inequality, so to some it's
all hosannas, and to others it's all brimstone |
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I think the Hotel California is now a Marriott. |
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Given the OCD compulsion of mothers to be concerned about the
cleanliness of their progeny's underpants in the unlikely event of an
accident, will your handbook give us a clue about how many pairs
we should bring with us into the afterlife? I imagine it's possible
this may not be a non-stop flight; and if that's the case, might one
not dash into the nearest lavatory for a quick change? And what if
there **IS** an an accident on the way to our final destination? Will
the "Heavenly Hospital Helpers" judge us harshly for soiled
undergarments, thereby possibly dashing our hopes of a smooth
transition to the same place Uncle Edgar is slouching around in!!
Please hurry. We're not getting any younger, you know. |
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A squid is still a valid aim to jump the horizon. A short lived transition but still good. |
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You took the words right out of my Scrabble set. |
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