Global Biological Reclassification

In the centuries since the demise of Linneaus, Science has fallen into perversion and niggling higgledy-piggledy. Nowhere is this more evident than in the ridiculous edifice of biological nomenclature. Consider that some 75% of all macroscopic animal species are lumped together as Order: Coleoptera, whilst a measling few species receive all of Phylum: Vertebrata to themselves. This is like putting an ocean in your bathtub and your beer in Ethiopia! This cannot stand. Like the workers of Spain impacted by the Diet of Wurms, we cry "No pasaran!"

Hencehitherforth we demonstrate how mankind would be classified under the New Linneata:

Kingdom: Coleoptalia, or animals, such as Beetles
Phylum: Coleopteria, or animals with legs, such as Beetles
(other: Spongislimacia, slimy legless animals)
Class: Coleopturana, or coleopterians without tails, such as Beetles
(other: Hirsuturana, hairy-tailed coleopterians)
Order: Coleocephala, or coleopturans with a head, such as Beetles
(other: Amorphocephala, coleopturans without a distinct head)
Family: Coleoptidae, or coleocephalans with two eyes, such as Beetles
(other: Multioptidae, coleocephalans with a multitude of eyes)
Genus: Coleopterus, or coleoptids with biting mouthparts, such as Beetles
(other: Slurperius, coleoptids with sucking mouthparts)
Species: Coleopterus terrestraquaticus, the beetle that can both walk and swim
Subspecies: Coleopterus terrestraquaticus nonvolens, the flightless beetle that can both walk and swim (formerly Homo sapiens)

Thus we see that, properly classified, mankind is merely an obscure subspecies of flightless beetle. Let's have a little humblosity, please.