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The French have many vices - indeed the word itself is
probably one they made up, since if it were a real word
in
English it would be the plural of vouse.
Of these vices, the most galling* is their use of French.
They only do it to annoy, much as the too-clever sort of
boy will use pig-Latin
to confuse his masters. Even when
they
pick up a few words of English, they insist on speaking it
in
such an affected way as to make a mockery of the whole
show.
I had previously posted a method whereby the English
could
learn this French lingo with the minimum of pain (see
link). However, our recent triumph in the Tour of
France
(could there be a name more guaranteed to hammer
home
the fact of our superiority than "Bradley Wiggins"?) has
convinced me that this approach is far too defeatist.
We should, therefore, seize every opportunity to cure the
French of their linguistic vice. Hithertofore, however,
this
has seemed an insuperable challenge. But hope has been
restored!
I recently came across a trustworthy report of a Czech
gentleman who, after suffering a blow to the head, was
granted the near-miraculous ability to speak flawless
English (link provided for your convenience).
There are other cases of head traumas leading to a
temporary or permanent ability to speak a different
(though not always better) language.
It's therefore quite obvious that the inability of the
French
(and don't get me started on the rest of the world) to
speak English is due to some inherent evolutionary flaw
which leaves part of the brain starved of oxygen, perhaps
by some congenital clot. A suitable blow, then, can
dislodge this clot and restore normal function to the
brain's
English centres.
From this, it follows that a serious and determined effort
must be made to more precisely define the place on the
skull to which the blow must be delivered, and the force
necessary to effect a cure.
To this end, MaxCo. has devised a helmet, fitted with
many electromagnets capable of operating an array of
impactors, with a precisely controllable force. A few
dozen helmets, strapped securely to Gallic heads and
connected to a random number generator; combined
with
a speech recognition algorithm to detect and
respond to the phrase "I say old chap, this is frightfully
tedious, do you think you might stop?", should identify
the
necessary parameters in a matter of weeks.
Once the details of the necessary restitutive blow have
been worked out, it will then be a simple matter to offer
this treatment to the entire populace of that blighted
landmass.
(*itself derived from the same root as "gallic")
Plan A
French_20par_20osmosis
[MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 29 2012]
If it works for the Czechs...
http://www.theregis.../09/14/czech_biker/
[MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 29 2012]
(?) But what if the English can't speak English?
http://www.youtube....watch?v=bx6lupC6WyE
aka Muslamic rayguns 101 [Phrontistery, Jul 30 2012]
They did, you know.
Pretend_20everythin..._20someone_20French
[RayfordSteele, Jul 31 2012]
Mencken
http://www.bartleby.com/185/
[Phrontistery, Aug 11 2012]
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Annotation:
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Probably easiest to conceal them in bearskins, wait for French tourists in London outside Buckingham Palace and pretend you'll take a photo of wearing it. |
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This is nothing more than a thinly-veiled pretext for striking french people on the head in a variety of painful and cruel ways. |
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Have an entire Bakery. [+][+][+][+][+][+][+][+][+]
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I don't know about you but I read this part of the
link... |
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"It might sound funny to others, but suddenly
thinking you are French is terrifying" |
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It doesn't sound funny to me. I shall have to wear a
helmet all the time in order to avoid such a fate. |
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" it might sound funny to others, but suddenly thinking you are French is terrifying."® |
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//it might sound funny to others, but suddenly thinking you are French is terrifying |
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Oh, come on, there are worse things than being French...erm...give me a few minutes...err |
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I love the retrophrenology aspect of this. |
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"Go for the language adjustment, stay for the personality rearrangement" |
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Are there any French Half Bakers? Or do they bake only in toto? |
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I miss the rains down in Africa. |
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"I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more." |
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'Of these vices, the most galling* is their use of French' - or the most Gauling... |
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The ironic thing is, the French invented this. |
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This kind of thinking is precisely what led the more intelligent Americans to replace their French fries with Freedom Fries. |
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// the more intelligent Americans // |
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What, you mean Congress? By what standard are you
measuring intelligence? |
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[The Alterother] eats French Fries, thankyouverymuch.
Except when he's in England, of course; there, he eats
chips. But then, he also eats chips when he's at home, only
he eats crisps over there... |
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Oh dear, I've gone cross-eyed. |
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Shouldn't this be French-to-English Maillet? |
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Maybe they'll learn to spell “center” correctly as well. Oh,
sure, those of you with the Queen on your money will insist
otherwise, but doesn't anything about your preferred
spelling strike you (no pun intended) as a bit… batrachian?
Kinda looks like it should really be pronounced “san-twah”,
hmm? |
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English is rife with peculiar spellings, [ytk], mostly
because the language evolved over a couple of
thousand years. It started with West Saxon, then
assimilated aspects of Old High German and Old
Norse. It was further influenced by later
Scandinavian dialects, by the Romans, the Dutch,
the Greeks and, since then, it has been further
enriched by over 50 different languages. |
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Over the centuries, English has also repeatedly
split into rich regional dialects which, in turn have
re-fused an re-invigorated the language which we
now consider to be R.P. English. Our language
today is a linguistic distillation of two millenia of
world history, sculpted by the chisel of time and
polished on the beach of antiquity. |
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We also developed English Lite for export. It
seems to have taken quite well. |
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//further enriched by over 50 different languages// |
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You say enriched, I say contaminated. |
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//We also developed English Lite for export.// |
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That's a revisionist perspective. It would be more accurate
to say that we Yanks gave your creaky old tongue a tune-up
and a coat of polish. And yet you stubbornly—proudly,
even—insist on retaining your vestigial pseudo-French
orthography. Well, suit yourselves, even if that does make
you a bunch of frog sympathizers. Far be it from me to
step between a Brit and his Brie. |
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On the other hand, we don't have 151 feet and one
inch of second-hand French hardware wearing a
negligee standing at the entrance to one of our
major harbours. At least we didn't last time I
checked, but you can never tell with this coalition
government. |
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How long after delivery was it that you realized that
"metre" was not french for "inch"? |
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You're not from bloody Louisiana are you? |
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Shows how much you know about geography. Bloody is
in Arkansas. |
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//Bloody is in Arkansas.// |
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I couldn't find it on Google Earth. Are you sure
you're not thinking of Bald Knob, Arkansas? |
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Well, thoughts of Bald Knob are indeed never far from
my heart. My brain, on the other hand, wants nothing
to do with the place. |
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Rentisham's Traditional Flenting Wax could only have been created in English; Cire Traditionnelle Flenting de Rentisham doesn't have quite the same character. Besides, any country whose noun for (ski) wax is fart sorely needs these helmets. |
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//we Yanks gave your creaky old tongue a tune-up and a coat of polish. |
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I don't want to be impolite, but taking one letter off the word "axe" was not exactly an arduous exercise. |
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I'm not even sure why, as generally the word axe does not usually occur so often in written communication that it would result in a great saving in paper, ink or keyboards. |
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Unless your talking about a handbook for lumberjacks, or an axe catalogue of course. |
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Actually, you have it backwards: The Brits tacked an
unnecessary “e” onto the end of the word, as they are
wont to do: “The spelling ax is better on every ground, of
etymology, phonology, and analogy, than axe, which
became prevalent during the 19th century; but it is now
disused in Britain.” [OED] |
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A surprising amount of what you think of as “your”
language was simply made up in the last couple hundred
years by stuffy Englishmen who were concerned they
weren't sounding pompous enough. The incorrect spelling
of aluminum as “aluminium” is a prime example. Humphry
Davy, who discovered the element, clearly decided to call
it aluminum, but back in Britain some anonymous old fart,
in a review of Davy's book where the correct name was
clearly written, decided to use the more “classical
sounding” name, ignoring not only scientific convention
that dictated the name should be aluminum, but precedent
set by such elements as platinum, tantalum, and
molybdenum. |
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Oh, and ever wonder why the North American accents
differ so greatly from the modern English accent, as
compared to, say, the Australian accent? Well, you can
read “The Mother Tongue” by Bill Bryson if you're curious,
but here's a hint: Shakespeare performed in an American
accent is actually far more “authentic” sounding than when
it's performed in an English one. |
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//Shakespeare performed in an American accent is
actually far more “authentic” sounding than when
it's performed in an English one.// |
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Actually, it would be a sort of rural English accent
which, once you get over the surprise, is quite
like a Southern American accent (the "dd for tt" in
"budder" substitution, for instance, is from English
southern rural accents). |
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So, [ytk] is quite right - American English is closer
to older and less well-educated English accents
than it is to modern, more advanced English. |
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>sounding pompous enough. |
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We have a special pomping cream for that, I believe it's the same company that does the leg-whitening cream used before holidaying in warmer climes. It does, however, have no connection whatsoever with Flenting Wax. |
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//Shakespeare performed in an American accent is actually far more “authentic” sounding than when it's performed in an English one.// |
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Shakespeare always sounds best in the original Russian. |
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PS I do have this nasty feeling that Shakespeare being a Stratford lad would have had a borderline brummie accent. |
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PPS What exactly did the tune up involve if not the removal of letters, I want to see the invoice again. |
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Many have noted that their abilities to speak in foreign tongues improve on consuming quantites of liquor native to the region in question while visiting taverns in said region. I think that this approach might serve as a more saleable beta test of the invention here, or perhaps a runup to deployment of the invention here - a pretreatment or marinade of sorts. |
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I can see this as a beverage advertisement, in fact: beret-bearing Europoean tourists in England (there must be an occasional one for Stonehenge, at least) drinking some sort of English brew, and suddenly speaking near perfect but charmingly accented English, and attracting a bevy of attractive English ladies. Or at least enthusiastic English ladies. |
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Maybe there is a law against people portraying the Queen in English advertisements? Maybe this could be circumvented with a portrayal of the King if there is not currently one? In any case, he or she would be a good addition to this ad campaign. |
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[bungston] you have willfully misinterpreted my
idea as a device to encourage the French to visit
England and integrate. I am stuned. |
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//Shakespeare being a Stratford lad would have had
a borderline brummie accent. // |
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Oi - Romiaow, Romiaow - wherefore art yow,
Romiaow? |
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//Oi - Romiaow, Romiaow - wherefore art yow, Romiaow? |
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That they can develop accents specific to street corners of a region tells me that the English simply didn't travel enough to avoid local inbreeding. |
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// American English is closer to older and less well-educated English accents than it is to modern, more advanced English.//
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And modern Icelandic is much closer to Old Norse than is modern Norwegian. The provinces have a way of preserving the old, classic styles while the original country gets all newfangled. |
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That doesn't explain Boston, unfortunately.
Although nothing really can. |
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Hmm, for some strange reason, Russian seems not to have developed the same "What the heck did he just say?" mutually unintelligible accents that English suffers from. |
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It's the lack of prepositions. Start declining
nouns, and there's no end to it. |
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American English {{{{{shudder}}}}} was an attempt
by the chronically parsimonious Noah Webster to
"simplify" the language by bastardising the spelling
of many words, in order to make it easier for small
children and semi-literate Americans to spell
commonly used words (a feat that still eludes most
of them, to this day, it would seem). |
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Accordingly, we now see anomalies in American
English {{{{{shudder}}}}} like the word aeroplane
reduced to airplane, despite aeronautical, aerosol
and aerobic remaining in common usage. |
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It is also notable that aluminium is, if spelled in
American English {{{{{shudder}}}}} as ALUMINUM,
one of only 5 elements whose names end simply in
UM, as opposed to some 84 whose names end in
IUM. Just saying... |
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You're just saying that we speak the language in a simple,
pure, dynamic form, unadorned by the needless flourishes
and archaic syntax protocols that make so many other
languages rigid and awkward. That is what you're saying,
isn't it? |
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//Accordingly, we now see anomalies in American
English
{{{{{shudder}}}}} like the word aeroplane reduced to
airplane,
despite aeronautical, aerosol and aerobic remaining
in common
usage.// |
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Well, let's have a look see here: “The oldest recorded
uses of the
spelling airplane are British.… Although A. Lloyd
James
recommended its adoption by the BBC in 1928, it has
until
recently been no more than an occasional form in
British
English.” If you'd like, I can have that crow delivered
via
aerocraft to your local aeroport, or I can simply send
it via
aeromail to you directly. |
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//one of only 5 elements whose names end simply in
UM, as
opposed to some 84 whose names end in IUM. Just
saying...// |
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I gather what you're saying is that you agree that
there's
precedent for the -num spelling? Also consider the
following: |
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1) Humphry Davy (a Brit, incidentally) discovered the
element,
and thereby deserves the right to name it. He
settled on
“aluminum”. Any other spelling is disrespectful to his
memory as
a scientific pioneer.
2) “The -um suffix is consistent with the universal
spelling
alumina for the oxide, as lanthana is the oxide of
lanthanum, and
magnesia, ceria, and thoria are the oxides of
magnesium,
cerium,
and thorium respectively.” [The 'Pedia] So if you
want to use
consistency as an argument, well, that ain't really on
your side
either.
On the other hand, there's the counterargument you
so helpfully
raised: “B-b-b-b-but, 84 is bigger than 5!” Quite
compelling. I
trust you also refer to atomic number 78 as
“platinium”? |
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All well and good, but none of this really addresses
the heart of the matter, namely that the French
don't seem to be able to get the hang of either
English or American spellings. For example, they
spell "dog" as "chien", "house" as "maison" and
"attack" as "retraite". This shall not stand. |
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'Shakespeare performed in an American accent is actually far more “authentic” sounding than when it's performed in an English one'... really, which particular American accent? I'll not get into a border war because that's unnecessary but what sticks in the mind are agonies like Tony Curtis in the Black Shield of Falworth, A Midsummer Night's Dream with James Cagney and Mickey Rooney and Charlton Heston in Antony and Cleopatra/Julius Caesar. |
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Moving on, America's had plenty of time since 1584 to change their English into American, an entirely separate language with inputs from all the nations who came to populate the place. |
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Ahh, [Max], now I see. Your spelling of “centre” is
actually part of a cunning ruse to convince the
credulous Frenchman that you're meeting him halfway
on the matter. If the mountain won't come to
Muhammed, after all… Very clever indeed, but you
might have just said that in the first place. But then, I
suppose, you might have inadvertently prevented all of
this pointless bickering. |
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I said the accent was more authentic, [Phront], not that it
was necessarily better or worse for performing
Shakespeare. |
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Silent "u" or not silent "u", that is the question. |
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So "Hey" is actually "Hey, you" but with a silent you? |
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Considering that I, most of my fellow Americans, and
possibly a couple of the Canadians, are the only Halfbakers
who speak pure, unaccented English, I consider this entire
argument inn-VAL-id. Limeys, Auzzies, and Kiwis all speak
perfectly comprehensible and legitimate English, but you
all have accents. Australians in particular do a fine job of
mangling the mother tongue. |
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I knew we should've named the airplane the cuisinart. |
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Really the problem with the French is that the Normans were sort of halfass with their conquest; neither a wholesale purge of the populace nor any compulsion to wipe out or methodically supplant the native language. The English did better in their later endeavors of the sort with the Irish and others. |
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English is a fun, promiscuous language but spelling is a bear. If only Noah had gone whole hog for phonetic spelling. |
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English spelling is tough, though through enough
thought it ought to be OK. |
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We refer you to the pre-WW2 newspaper headline acknowledging Noel Coward's latest West End production; "Cavalcade Pronounced Success". |
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//whole hog for phonetic spelling.// |
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it is the great irony that phonetic is not spelt very phonetically. |
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//For example, they spell "dog" as "chien", "house" as "maison" and "attack" as "retraite". This shall not stand.// |
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You've inspired me, [MB]. As soon as I find a mallet, I'll get straight to work. |
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Does this mean that an attack-dog-house would be spelled retraitechienmaison? Now I see what the problem is. The German would be much clearer. I assume we all like the Germans, right? |
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Cholmondeley pronounced "chum-li", Featherstonhaugh pronounced "fanshaw". |
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What could be simpler than that? |
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//Moving on, America's had plenty of time since 1584 to change their English into American, an entirely separate language with inputs from all the nations who came to populate the place. |
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Yes and no. There's kind of a bell curve there. First, no divergence really, as no new things to talk about, axe, knife, tree. Ok, skunk (not that kind) that kind of stuff, but no new artefacts. |
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However lots of new artefacts a lot later on, in the 1900's automobiles, fender, trunk,hood etc. |
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That lasted until the rise of modern communications, films, radio that kind of thing 1930's-ish so a convergence again, tv, computer. |
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So, the actual possible time for divergence was remarkably short. At least that's what I think. |
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Ok, just for that you get my new animal name joke.
(set in Australia, in a camp)
Person A - Hey, they found a mammal near the camp that has a beak, and lays eggs? |
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Person B - "You're kidding me!" |
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and that's how the Echidna got it's name, boys and girls.. |
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Your first name's not Echidna, is it? As regards your point re 'fender, trunk,hood' etc, those words have entered the American lexicon in English; words weren't created for those new inventions in say Spanish or Polish or Japanese. Americans have embraced English but not evolved it into a patois of their own. |
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//As soon as I find a mallet, I'll get straight to
work.// Thanks, [MikeD]. It's good to know that this
battle will not be solely between the civilians and
the uncivilians. |
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To paraphrase the mathematician Tom Lehrer: "If,
after reading my posts, just one human being is
inspired to say something nasty to a friend, or
perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been
worth the while." |
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//Americans have embraced English but not evolved it into a patois of their own. |
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Yeah, it's just that I realised that communications having a damper effect on language divergence, for good or bad. |
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For example, Aormori-ben (very north Honshu Japan) and Kanto-ben (Tokyo area) versions were virtually mutually unintelligible, but now everyone watches TV programs made in the big city (Tokyo) so people in Aomori will understand what people from Tokyo are saying. |
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So, I'm guessing the next real opportunity for patois development is interstellar colonisation. |
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I think if the language spoken in America were called American, we Americans might treat it with a bit more respect. (Maybe.) But, it being called English, we feel a certain freedom - if not duty - to vandalize it a bit. |
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Meanwhile, in a small research facility outside Grenoble... |
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Messieurs, je vous présente le dernier cri, comme on dit, de la Mission Civilisatrice... Allez, hop!
"Ow"
...et alors...
"OUCH!"
...et puis...
<<Aie!>> |
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In 'Dissertations on the English Language' Webster said 'As an independent nation our honour requires us to have a system of our own, in language as well as government. Great Britain, whose children we are, should no longer be our standard. . . . . A national language is a band of national union. Every engine should be employed to render the people of this country national; to call their attachment home to their own country; and to inspire them with the pride of national character'. |
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Which makes me wonder if modern America is defined, or restricted, by still speaking English. |
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Así que, ¿cuál es el problema? |
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//makes me wonder if modern America is defined, or
restricted, by still speaking English// Look on the
bright side, you could easily have wound up speaking
German. |
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Besides, the Australians, like you, speak English after
a fashion; but that hasn't stopped them from
becoming widely respected in the arts, in culture, in
science, in philosophy, in - no, hang on, I'm thinking
of Belgium. |
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vive françaises
vive américain
aie
Je dis vieux, c'est affreusement ennuyeux, pensez-
vous que vous pourriez arrêter?
aie
I say old chap, this is frightfully tedious, do you think
you might stop ?
ouch |
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The French were invented purely for the sake of the rest of the world being allowed to the pass the remark, 'There is nothing more galling.' |
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So much anti French sentiment on a site with a heading displaying a half croissant oozing dark chocolate. |
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Fully aware of what I am about to let myself in for. I raise this "tongue in cheek" query. Wasn't it the French who invented the croissant neuf ? |
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//So much anti French sentiment on a site with a
heading displaying a half croissant oozing dark
chocolate.// I see no chocolate. Is it possible that
a small child has left a fingerprint on your monitor?
Also, the croissant was an English invention, known
as a "ram's cake" before, like so much, it was
plagiarised by the French. In parts of France it is
still known as a "beurre Anglais". |
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//I see no chocolate//
I have maximised magnification and conclude there is a hollow centre to the half croissant displayed with what I opine to be chocolate content. My reference to croissant neuf being of French origin was but a modest pun on soixante neuf. |
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Thank you for your summation Big Sleep. |
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Upon re examination of the Half Bakery heading. Nowhere am I able observe reference to the name croissant.
In Kiwi land, we remain somewhat more base than the Northern Hemisphere in terms of correct pronunciation. Pain au chocolate as you correctly refer, is more readily given the 'Pommie' name of chocolate croissant back here. |
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Were I to be aware of the portion of the site to which you make reference, I would readily accede to your continued pressing request. However, I weary a of being called to account over correct or incorrect naming. To me, a chocolate croissant remains just that, added to your questioning is that another has this very day, alerted me to the fact Croissants are of English origin, thus dispelling any truth in my naive lifetime schoolboy history lesson belief, the croissant was of Viennese origin. |
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Totally aware.... My fear.... Is he aware he is?
Chocolatine is familiar. My satisfaction is drawn from enjoying a warm croissant, with butter. I have no intention of deviating from this practice. |
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Perhaps we are confounding a "chocolate filled
croissant" with a "pain au chocolate"? A P-au-C is
made of croissanty material, but is roughly
rectangular and has a filling of dark chocolate. |
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Enough of this puerile bickering. This type of sweetmeat is known correctly or incorrectly as a chocolate croissant over here. |
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//correctly or incorrectly// there's your error right there in the first part of that quote. |
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Presumably you lay claim the French own some God given right to how this sweetmeat be so named. Rich! |
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I've eaten kipferl stuffed with honeyed almonds and chocolate on my travels and I've also eaten a chocolate croissant with the same filling. What it's called doesn't matter, how it tastes does. And besides the lush Nigella makes chocolate croissants and she can never be wrong. |
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I'll eat to that. Cheers. |
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