French-to-English Mallet

The French have many vices - indeed the word itself is probably one they made up, since if it were a real word in English it would be the plural of vouse.

Of these vices, the most galling* is their use of French. They only do it to annoy, much as the too-clever sort of boy will use pig-Latin to confuse his masters. Even when they pick up a few words of English, they insist on speaking it in such an affected way as to make a mockery of the whole show.

I had previously posted a method whereby the English could learn this French lingo with the minimum of pain (see link). However, our recent triumph in the Tour of France (could there be a name more guaranteed to hammer home the fact of our superiority than "Bradley Wiggins"?) has convinced me that this approach is far too defeatist.

We should, therefore, seize every opportunity to cure the French of their linguistic vice. Hithertofore, however, this has seemed an insuperable challenge. But hope has been restored!

I recently came across a trustworthy report of a Czech gentleman who, after suffering a blow to the head, was granted the near-miraculous ability to speak flawless English (link provided for your convenience).

There are other cases of head traumas leading to a temporary or permanent ability to speak a different (though not always better) language.

It's therefore quite obvious that the inability of the French (and don't get me started on the rest of the world) to speak English is due to some inherent evolutionary flaw which leaves part of the brain starved of oxygen, perhaps by some congenital clot. A suitable blow, then, can dislodge this clot and restore normal function to the brain's English centres.

From this, it follows that a serious and determined effort must be made to more precisely define the place on the skull to which the blow must be delivered, and the force necessary to effect a cure.

To this end, MaxCo. has devised a helmet, fitted with many electromagnets capable of operating an array of impactors, with a precisely controllable force. A few dozen helmets, strapped securely to Gallic heads and connected to a random number generator; combined with a speech recognition algorithm to detect and respond to the phrase "I say old chap, this is frightfully tedious, do you think you might stop?", should identify the necessary parameters in a matter of weeks.

Once the details of the necessary restitutive blow have been worked out, it will then be a simple matter to offer this treatment to the entire populace of that blighted landmass.

(*itself derived from the same root as "gallic")