France Bypass

Since retirement, my parents have become migratory creatures. When the days start getting a little shorter and the daily risk of rain goes from "probable" to "inevitable" they pack up a motorized house and head to the coast of Spain/Portugal. In this way, they can continue their daily activities of getting up obscenely early, watching British TV, drinking tea, commenting on the weather and getting half way through a crossword before falling asleep in a lawn chair because of the obscenely early start. It appears many of these migratory British settle into colonies to enjoy the benefits of bulk buying brown sauce and the communal pool of Danielle Steel novels. They interact with the Spanish/Portuguese in the time honored way, infrequently and with stoic use of loud English. This is all very tolerable.

Now, the problem. These people, veterans, hardened tax payers and career low-level benefit fraudsters that they are, bring much needed business to the coasts of Portugal and Spain during the off season. To get there, they must travel individually or in small groups THROUGH FRANCE. Eventually, like tired antelope they must stop for fuel, water or to attend to a prostate-related issue... then BOOM! they are exposed to a hole-in-the-ground toilet, a little restaurant with a family drinking excellent wine while their children voluntarily wolf down oysters. To the average British pensioner this is nothing short of tactical deployment of weaponized culture.

I propose a fully enclosed highway from whichever channel port is doing the best ferry deals, or enables them to stop off at Steve & June's place, to the Spanish border. Within this structure, you may drive, on the left, from an overpriced little chef to one of those really-quite- reasonable M&S service stations or if you hold on there might be a Sainsbury's... all while unmolested by French culture.

I suspect that this would be so popular that a branch-line to Germany may be required.