Found new hardware: CUP OF COFFEE

A reliable source informs me that when he accidentally dropped a USB lead into a full cup of coffee, Windows informed him that it had found new hardware. Well, indeed it had, but not an actual peripheral.
However, it would be possible to do this. Get a USB cable and put a number of sensors on the end. At this point, i could just go "blah, blah, blah", but i won't. However, i will inevitably get some of this wrong. This is how it works:
The peripheral is built into the USB plug and looks identical from the outside. It detects conducting fluids by default, so if nothing else is picked up, it simply identifies it as such.
If the level of current is comparable on the way out compared to the way in, the fluid is interpreted as a salt solution.
One contact on the plug is copper, one zinc, so if it's in an acid, it works as a battery. This is reported as sour. It can also measure alkalis, but i don't know how. There is also a white LED and a photocell. These can report the colour of the liquid and sometimes hazard a guess, for example, an acidic orange liquid is interpreted as orange and a salty red liquid as blood. There is also an array of antibodies which react to antigens, mainly proteins, allowing certain proteins to be identified such as milk protein - these would have to be changed every time it was used. Tannins enable alkaloids to be identified - they "curdle" them and the alkaline pH allows them to be identified as something like nicotine or caffeine.
In order to slow corrosion, the plug is flushed with isopropanol after use, and when it actually corrodes, it can be changed.
I know this is seriously underbaked, but i'm sure something can be done with it.