h a l f b a k e r yRight twice a day.
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Clipping toenails by hand is an onerous and malodorous task. There are a number of difficulties presented by such a procedure which include difficulty touching one's toes, projectile toenails that get lost which help feed and propagate cockroach colonies, the relative cleanliness of hands compared to
feet, and the lack of a permanent apparatus for clipping one's toenails.
All of the aforementioned discontentment is relieved by Foot Operated Toenail Clippers. This is a simple device with two curved and parallel cutting blades which are actuated by a depressible lever that is operated by applying downward pressure with the free foot. Perhaps a heel operated model is possible that clips toenails on the same foot. However, at this point even the former possibility places humanity so close to transcendence that the latter is not to be considered by reasonable men.
This device is also encased in pumice, so corns and calluses can be scoured from the foot's much belaboured surface. Excised toenails will be stored internally until removal, and perhaps to facilitate limited functionality as a roach trap.
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Annotation:
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Five curved blades I hope, so one press does ’em all. |
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Foot operated roach trap? |
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"One step to trim them all,
one step to store them;
one step to smash them all,
and with the roaches crunch them." |
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So that's where my toenails get to... |
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I'd like to see this done so the foot to be clipped is the actuating foot. Maybe put the clipper on a long floating arm so you stick a nail into its jaws, and it pivots down easily as you lower your foot to the stomper. |
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The arm would only need to travel an half inch or so. There's a difference in height between my various toenails--although I suppose I could just keep my toes up and press the stomper with the heel of that foot, as was suggested. |
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Would it have one size of clipper for the big toe and another smaller clipper for getting the rest? |
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"This little piggy went to Hades,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy ate raw and steaming human flesh,
This little piggy violated virgins,
And this little piggy clambered over a heap of dead bodies to get to the top."
— Neil Gaiman - Good Omens |
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