h a l f b a k e r yQuis custodiet the custard?
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Although I am now a happily married man .. there was a time, between the ages of 14-17, when I was absolutely single.
Now although this didn't particularly bother me it had a disturbing and wierd effect on my mother (of all people). She started thinking just because I'd sprouted a few zits I should
be madly sneaking willing girls into my room. Little did she realise her 'beautiful son' was in reality an ugly slob, with about as much ability with the ladies as he had with rollerblading on a skateboard! Cue violins -- frankly no girls were -- remotely -- interested.
So my mother would come up with comments like
'So when are you going to get a girlfriend?'
and
'Your brother's got a girlfriend. Why haven't you?'
Eventually it started mutating into well embarassing comments such as:
'You know you should consider wearing flares .. your father looked great in his white flares in the 60s -- that would get you a girlfriend'.
Yea cheers mum.
This finally reached a point of focus after my singleness lasted a few years .. when both my parents ushered me into our living room, and started a speech with the words:
'You know, discovering you're gay isn't anything to be ashamed of'.
AARRGH! NOOOOO! The embarrassment.
My company idea -- we provide customers (male and female) with photos, letters, and occasional phone calls from a pretend 'girlfriend' or 'boyfriend' for a while. The letters can be 'accidentally' left by the customer to be 'found' by parents to get them off his (her) back. The phone calls are so dad answers the phone and a giggling 'Michelle' asks for his son. Finally dad is proud and will also tell the guy's mum. Together they'll get all excited asking about 'Michelle', telling their relatives .. proud that their son is finally turning into a man .. feeling cool about talking to you about safe sex. But basically getting off his back (and also they are assured - all be it based on an untruth - they have bought up a 'normal teenager' not a wierdo with a secret tattoo!). Everyone's happy.
For a small additional fee, the reasonably attractive employee can come round and meet the guy's parents. Naturally a few days later the guy can tell his parents about how they 'split' but even after that it gives the guy a few months of peace from the 'get a girlfriend' nagging. Hopefully the guy has avoided forever the 'so son, you're gay' conversation.
Of course 'Michelle' doesn't have to do anything remotely physical with the customer.
[Anyone who answer saying 'just get a girlfriend for crying out loud -- you must be better looking then I was!!']
Baked?
http://imaginarygirlfriends.com/
probably not but pretty close. [calum, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]
(??) E-Bay search for "fake girlfriend"
http://search.ebay....ery=fake+girlfriend
The only one listed is closed, but check back later for more. [phoenix, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]
(?) Girlfriend equation
http://www.madloser...g=1&count=12#hooker
[MadLosers] [Letsbuildafort, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]
(??) Baked
http://mirrors.meep...om/ebay/girlfriend/
[PeterSilly, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]
The low cost way to have a girlfriend
http://www.rotten.c...ventions/sex-dolls/
[Dumb But Tough, Jan 22 2006]
[link]
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It's only a short step from matching boys with pretend girlfriends to girls with pretend boyfriends. No staff required, just an Egnor style geographical search engine database thing, and Bob's your builder! |
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"You look depressed, my friend.
What are you thinking of?"
"My future."
"What makes it seem so hopeless?"
"My past." |
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[egbert] That would be a P2P virtual dating website then ? |
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I've totally been there britboy. +++ |
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You got married at 18? Heavens that is something. You brits are really something. |
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I cunningly got around this problem by being an utter and gleeful slapper for a long, long time. |
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Appreciate the annoyance of constant enquiry though, so +. |
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Curious, [britboy] when I compare your experiences with the activities of my mother who was, I am now quite sure, intent on having me be the gayest of all the gay sons. Musicals, poetry, avoidance of sports -- all the hallmarks of the stereotypical homosexual were foisted upon me. She would have been utterly overjoyed to learn that I was a gaysexual but, much to her chagrin, I recently came out as heterosexual. She _seems_ to like my obviously female better half but does always call her by a gender neutral contraction of her name. |
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Anyway, perhaps an extension to this service called "imaginary gay beards for breeders" so as to keep mother happy, at least until someone gets pregnant. |
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Tell yer mum yer gay. That'll shut 'er up. |
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Excellent. But then...aren’t there child labor laws in England? Won’t these “reasonably attractive employees” seem a little old to be dating our pubescent darling? |
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My Mom thought I was gay too.
weird. |
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Arguably better than the reverse
though. |
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[drcurry], but that would start the "why don't you get a boyfriend" nagging. I would argue that is worse. |
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I was gay when I was young, but it wasn't a queer word then. |
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I got your room. Call me, I got it ... |
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You had it good, britboy. My folks discouraged me from having girlfriends, fearing that I'd get 'em all pregnant, multiple abortions would ensue, newspaper headlines with the family name prominently displayed about their sex-maniac son would be framed in the post office and homes in the tri-state area... |
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When Greek girls of Lesbos come out of the closet, what do say they are? |
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I confess I didn't have a girl friend for a long long time, because I learned (from books) that the things involved in maintaining a relationship tend to consume large amounts of time and money -- and I had a long long list of other things that I wanted to do more, with those resources. (Some of those "other things" are posted here on the HalfBakery, still waiting to be done!) |
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I told various snoopy people that I wasn't interested in the guys, and I couldn't afford the gals. |
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Eventually (one more oddball circumstance in a life full of oddball circumstances) I became rather involved with a nice lady, and she quite thoroughly proved that I was right. :) |
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so happy for you V! I hope - as always you are a little obscure! |
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hmmmm...[po], in the process of having it proved to me that I couldn't afford a gal, I was (and still am) unable to do many of the "other things" I've mentioned. Certainly this Mad Scientist is in no danger of conquering the world! (Even though I've stated elsewhere that such was never really on my agenda :) Perhaps, to prevent my doing something like that accidently, that's why she still hangs around.... |
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V if you cannot afford her, she is not worth the having! |
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//conquering the world...to prevent my doing something like that accidently// |
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So your nemesis is also your girlfrind? Freaky. |
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Great idea, but what do you do when your family starts to nag you about getting married? |
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[Letsbuildafort], if you had read "a life full of oddball circumstances", you would not needed to have commented "Freaky." (Oh, and you might read up on the main technique that Queen Elizabeth I used to prevent rebellions among their lordships. :) |
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[po], one of the BAD things about the English language is that words like "having" or phrases like "my girlfriend" imply ownership. We need some good simple words that can specify an association without hinting of ownership. So, in the interest of greater clarity, I need to specify something about not being able to afford the relationship, not the gal. Haven't you noticed how such things as tickets for entertainment (everything from movies to operas) will eat into a budget? And that's just the tip of a large iceberg.... Can the gentlemen insist that the lady "go Dutch"? Can the gentleman prefer to spend his ticket-for-himself money (not to mention hours of time) on a fun Mad Science project, and tell the lady to take the other ticket and go by herself? Significant relationships just don't work that way, as you know! |
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This could also be useful if you’re gay and you want to convince your mom that it’s not “just a phase.” |
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Then may I venture the adjective "freak-like?" :þ |
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Oh, and I have the mathematical backing for you, [Vernon] ... with link. |
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// large amounts of time and money//
//We need some good simple words that can specify an association without hinting of ownership//
read: High/Low Maintenance |
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When I announced my engagement to the lovely Mrs Silly (she wasn't Mrs Silly at the time) one of my best friends immediately asked "so, aren't you having any more children, then?" His explanation, quite wonderfully predictive as it happened, was as follows: |
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When you announce the engagement everyone asks whether you've determined the date yet. Nearer the date everyone asks about honeymoons. After the honeymoon, everyone asks how it was, then after a year or so starts asking about when the first child is due. After first child is born, you get a break of a couple of years before people ask whether X is going to get a little brother or sister. Finally, a couple of years after offspring #2 emerges, you get asked the final question. |
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He just thought he'd save time. Nice. |
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I think this service would be great
if you had a few more options to
tailor the experience. I mean,
simply getting your parents off the
nag train may not be the only kind
of impact you'd like to make. |
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Being an adolescent, surely the
target market would like the
opportunity to indulge in a few
mind games. |
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[ ] Preppy good girl
[ ] Peculiar brainaic
[ ] Skanky biker ho
[ ] Clingy and whiny
[ ] Other/mixed race (a good one
for the Klan family) |
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[ ] Holding hands and puppy eyes
[ ] Guilty looks and moving apart
when anyone enters the room
[ ] Prerecorded noisy sex
[ ] Screaming matches and door
slamming |
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[ ] Let's just be friends
[ ] Screaming matches and door
slamming
[ ] Stalker |
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[ ] Psycho possessive ex husband
[ ] Kids
[ ] Twin sister
[ ] Harley |
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Is it possible to untick the 'clingy and whiny' option? |
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The company is ignoring my requests for companionship. Though I think it could be because I'm submitting too many applications per cycle. Damn - this is just like trying to get a hold of BUNGCO technical support ... |
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[PS]//you get asked the final question// I would have thought it rude to ask the question: "When are you going to die?" |
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Would this be any better than the "Mum, I want to be a girl" conversation? |
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this idea could attack the problem on two fronts. aside from getting the parents off your back (i could sympathize until recently) you could also be seen in public with your ficticious girlfriend. for some odd reason, when you are involved with someone, the girls are happy to flirt with you, but when you're single, they won't have a thing to do with you. it's like they think, "there must be something wrong with him if he doesn't have a girl". |
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the point is, this service could lead to a real solution. |
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Or go out with a real dog. |
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I'm thinking of being bi-sexual, but I think it might lower the intrest I get from both sexes... anyway - annoying your parents is what the teen years are all about!? |
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Probably being one of the youngest here, my opinion matters. Just kidding. But I think this would work. I wouldn't pay for it, 'cause I'm cheap, but I would definitely consider it if I got the "So son, you're gay," conversation. + For the image :) |
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(+) for inspiring BunsenHoneydew's anno. |
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Wow, I dont feel so bad after all. I'm not gay, just not attracted to girls. I feel better now that I know pther people have the same problem. |
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[ossolisc] I'm thinking of being bi
as well...but don't really want to
just to prove this absolute prick at
school he's wrong about my
sexuality! (shows how mature I
am, eh?)
[ignotus] It's not so much a
"there's something wrong with
him" as it is "oh thank God I don't
have to follow through." ;) |
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Curious. My experience was far closer to [thumbwax]'s than [britboy]'s. Around 14 I was told that girlfriends were strictly the domain of guys far older than myself.
I wonder what the ratio of overprotective:overencouraging parents is? |
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I need this idea terribly. I'm very shy, and can't talk to girls... Hey, somebody call my house please? Before my parents think I'm gay? I'll pay you $100 up front... |
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I'm still waiting for that CC#, [hero]. Of course, now I'll have to buy $100 worth of music--but I could find you a girl to call your house! May not be able to visit depending on your geography, though. |
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//I need this idea terribly. I'm very shy, and can't talk to girls... Hey, somebody call my house please? Before my parents think I'm gay? I'll pay you $100 up front...// |
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I'm more than willing to take $100 to recruit a girl to call anyone here. |
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Advice from a formerly shy guy: |
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The cure I found to shyness was to simply decide to stop living inside my own head and start living inside everyone else's for a change; be a little pushier than you feel comfortable with for a bit. It's a subconscious battlefield out there, and you have to protect your turf. Sorry that sounds downright primitive but that's the way the world is. |
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I found the DGAF principle worked well for me: "Don't Give A Fuck". Stop giving a rat's ass what people think of you. Parents don't like the fact that you haven't found a soulmate? They can stuff it. Girl X doesn't like that you take a couple shots on the weekend? Tell her to stick it in her ear. Friends don't like the music you listen to? They can saw their ears off. |
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Here's the thing. There's no universal playbook for attracting people. That said: if a guy/girl likes you, they'll probably dig that you have a concrete personality and that you don't bend and contort to get people to approve of you (that's where DGAF comes in). If they don't like you already, begging and pleading for them to like you (if you don't seem to have any luck in relationships, you're probably doing this subconsciously!) will only push them away. |
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But you can't stop caring just to get guys/girls, because that kills it. If you really want to like yourself and become a person people can like, stop giving a flying arse what people think of you. Instead of paying someone money to call your house and pretend to be your girfriend, blow off your parents. Tell them: "I don't have a girlfriend, and that's my business. You whining and carrying on about it isn't going to change anything." |
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*grumble grumble*kids these days can't get revolutionary without a damn handbook... |
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"Getting Revolutionary Without a Damn Handbook", by Trent Reznor. |
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That sounds like quite a good idea. Don't scrap the idea of a 'dating' website. It could be a website for people who don't 'like' each other to meet up and pretend. |
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Here's a better idea.......[link] |
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you had really cool parents. I'm hoping to be as close
to my sons as possible through puberty so they don't
mind listening to my advice about picking up chicks. |
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