English to EENG-LEESH phrase book

It is a well-known and established fact that all humans are born understanding English.

However, through various causes, but mainly because they're nothing more than lazy, shiftless foreigners, large numbers of them seem to have forgotten it by the time they reach adulthood and therefore persist in jabbering at one another in their funny foreign lingo. Worse, when spoken to, they pretend not to understand.

However, it is also well-known that their memories can be jogged by shouting at them, slowly, in English. Gestures may be of assistance in this context.

Now, BorgCo editors are preparing to publish the first English to EENG-LEESH phrase book. Phrases are grouped according to context; for example, "In the Bar" is followed by "In the Street Brawl", "In the Hospital", "In the Police Station", "In the Courtroom" and "In front of the Firing Squad".

The section "In the Post Office" contains phrases such as "STAMPS ... STAMPS FOR POST CARD ... POST CARD TO EEENNG-LAAND .... STAMPS ... Dear God, bunch of bloody monkeys the lot of them, heaven knows why we threw the Krauts out ... STAAMMPS ... POOOSST CAARDD."

Not for us the creaky, antiquated phraseology of yesterday; nowhere will you find such choice phrases as "My motorized velocipede is incommoded; pray, summon an artisan, as I fear there is some derangement of the magneto". No, it's all contemporary and up to date. If you want to inform the barman that you wouldn't mind another beer before next week, and then he can get back to sexual congress with his donkey, then this is the book for you.

Purchasers should note that the section "In the Tobacconist" is currently under revision, as a result of an embarrassing and ultimately violent, yet extremely funny, encounter with a Hungarian gentleman complaing about a scratched record he had purchased.