h a l f b a k e r yI CAN HAZ CROISSANTZ?
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Most of the technology for this already exists, but the price is still in the "Manhattan Project" range. Still, it is conceivable (nyuk nyuk) that this will become affordable sometime in the future.
First, if you're the man, you must get your genome sequenced, and save a haploid subset of that
on your computer hard drive.
Then, send it as an email attachment to your sweetie, wherever she lives on any other continent or planet.
She has mail! She downloads it and feeds it to a DNA synthesizer (these really exist) which rebuilds it as real molecules. She injects the synthetic DNA into the head of a sterile sperm* and fertilizes one of her own eggs in vitro. Voila, after a few tries she has a test tube baby that looks like you! Or like an MS Outlook virus. But never mind, it's the love that makes it yours.
*Sperm is sometimes called "DNA with a tail", so it's a pretty minimalistic cell and a sterile "trojan horse" may not even be necessary.
[link]
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With around 3 billion base pairs in a human's genome (4 possibilities per pair), transmission would be just about feasible. But would the Catholic Church approve? |
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Sounds like your computer might get sticky. |
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//With around 3 billion base pairs// - Just before I left the University the price for sequencing there was US$0.095/base pair. I am sure it got cheaper by now, let's say 0.01/base pair. |
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Supposedly only 1% of DNA is important and variable. The rest is junk or the same for all humans so it doesn't need transmission and can be inserted as standard building block. |
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Still the price of the synthesis is $3E6. Shipping the real thing will still be cheaper, but as an halfbaked idea it should work. |
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I never thought to email my sperm before. I assumed they had friends of their own. |
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I wouldn't recommend that - there's a much higher chance of medical problems when you mix lossy compression with incest. |
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//lossy compression// so, no MP3 sperm banks? |
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jpeg sperm? The child is slightly blocky when viewed up close, but from a distance he looks fine. Gif kids, however, go through life looking like a grown-up version of their ultrasound scan. |
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First child born of .png sperm: Adam7. |
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It would be easier to just send the real thing in the post, but since when has simplicity been a criterion for halfbakery ideas? |
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"You never call. You never come to her birthday parties. I don't think you even care about your e-child's feelings!" |
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I have to admit, this made me laugh. I still give this the spermish fishbone it truly deserves. Let Japan have it. |
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In the future mass unsolicited fertilization will be called "spermming" and global bukkake will be criminalized. |
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To: Sperm
From: k_sra
Subject: BBQ next Friday |
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Hey, Sperm!
S'appening? Gonna kick it this weekend with the guys. We might play a little handball.
Come if you can.
Later,
k_sra |
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Hey [k-sra], i'm sorry i cant come to the bbq next friday, i'm goin out with my eggs-girlfriend. maybe i can come over some udder time. |
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Wouldn't broadband be a bad thing in such situations... after such transactions you never like to be told how quick it was... |
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//after such transactions you never like to be told how quick it was// |
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maybe this will turn the tables and people will love to be the fastest......hmmmmmm, maybe not. |
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k_, let us know if sperm shows up. |
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[waugs], he says he's busy. Sorry to dissapoint. I hope you'll still come. |
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You never know. He may find a way out of it. |
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He obviously has no deferens to you, [k_sra]. He might about-face, though. |
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[Fighting temptation to post link to Sexy Losers #30...] |
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Then an email virus hits and all children born later that year end up looking like the same spotty teenager that wrote the worm. |
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Would the delivery receipt refer to the arrival of the sperm or of the resultant child/mutant? |
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Well, here we are in 2019, and I had my full genome
sequenced for fun. Cost me about $500 (thanks, BGI). So, if
any lucky ladies out there want their inbox filled... |
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//Well, here we are in 2019, and I had my full genome
sequenced for fun. Cost me about $500 (thanks, BGI).// |
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I'm guessing that only works because human genomes are
so
similar, and they don't worry too much about the squiggly
repetitive bits.
What sort of quality are you looking at, Max? I doubt you
got
46 chromosome-length hugh-quality contigs.
... it would be interesting to send them some other
primate DNA and see what they made of it. |
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I got about 10x coverage in short reads, meaning that the
average contig is only a few kb. However, it's more than
adequate to score most SNPs, any major deletions and
(probably) any very large duplications. |
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So far I've only looked at a few interesting SNPs (and
mtDNA) because my
software is clunky. So far, all I can say is that I'm low risk
for
Alzheimer's and (probably) stroke, and am definitely a
eukaryote. Will sit down and trawl all the SNPs sooner or
later if I can get my head around the software. |
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