ESA

In reaction to the terrible events at Virginia Tech, an Education Security Administration (ESA) will be created and dispatched to all college campuses, with future expansion to high schools and eventually grade and pre-schools. Every student, teacher, administrator and service person will be thoroughly screened for potential weapons such as liquid explosives, shoe bombs, box cutters, etc. by minimum wage earning ex-convicts using the latest technology supplied by well connected defense contractors. Aside from preventing future campus tragedies, this hugely expanded market for security devices will drive profits and stock values up, boosting the entire U.S. economy (“a rising tide lifts all boats”).

As an added bonus, students will learn to cooperate with authorities from an early age with random strip searches, mistaken identity incarceration, routine violations of civil rights and other valuable security enhancing techniques. Asian and Arabic students in particular will be subject to random searches, detainment and interrogation in Guantanamo, black prisons scattered throughout Eastern Europe or at the hands of allied Middle Eastern interrogators in Saudi Arabia, Turkey, etc.