h a l f b a k e r yVeni, vidi, teenie weenie yellow polka dot bikini.
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Dry Cow
An entire cow's worth of beef jerky! | |
Skin, gut and jerk an entire cow.
Stand him/her up in the basement and pull off a strip anytime you want. It's like beef jerky on tap!
Great for parties or family reunions.
Trans-dimensional weapons conveyance
Cow_20full_20of_20guns
And now sustenance too! A huge improvement. [theleopard, Oct 17 2011]
Jerked Human
http://news.yahoo.c...ears-101917345.html
Eeeeeeewwwww. [DIYMatt, Oct 18 2011]
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Annotation:
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Precisely what is this intended to infer, and through what
form of artifice is this act to be accomplished? |
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Other than these small details, I take no further issue. In
fact, I wish I had a fully-jerked cow of my own. [+] |
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The Halfbakery lies entirely in [AO]'s second
scentence. + |
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I wonder if being 'jerked' will ever catch on as an
alternative to cremation or burial? |
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I would recommend that you suspend (or, better,
levitate by means of hoof-mounted magnets) the
animal, to deter rats. |
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//The Halfbakery lies entirely in [AO]'s second
scentence.// |
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Certainly not. The Halfbakery is soo much more
than
that. It is, for example, one of the most pedantic
places on the Internet. Can usage of \\infer\\ for
"imply" be considered typical? |
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re: the idea itself, with ordinary jerky, you ensure
that the meat dries before it rots by cutting into
strips, which increases surface to volume ratio.
Spices or salt also act as preservatives, but these
too act at the surface. A whole carcass is
problematic. Smoke may be the answer,
or perhaps there's some industrial process
involving high pressure impregnation, or injection
with needles. |
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But the elegant solution is to take advantage of
the fact that it's an intact animal, and perfuse it
through the arterial system, the way embalmers
do. Needs a preservative that's edible, of course:
I suggest distilled spirits. |
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//It was described as 'very much like beef jerky'.// |
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Regarding appearance? Or taste? |
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//perfuse it through the arterial system, the way embalmers do.// |
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Brilliant! So much better than injecting marinade into the muscle. |
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I was recently privileged with seeing the opened thoracic cavity of a living mammal whilst venously infused with 150 ml of green dye (fast push). The speed at which it perfused the tissues was amazing. Less than one second to mottle the pleural tissue, less than four seconds to completely perfuse the pleural tissue. (Watching a beating heart turn green was fucking awesome) |
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//you ensure that the meat dries before it rots by
cutting into strips// |
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Cut it into strips that are still attached at the base, a la
Bloomin' Onion. |
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//I wonder if being 'jerked' will ever catch on as an
alternative to cremation or burial?// |
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If local laws and ordinances prevent me from being burned
on a pyre as my ancestors were (because Vikings were
often to busy to dig a proper hole only to fill it back in
again), then perhaps I would like to be 'jerked' when I die.
It would give a neat alternative to Heinlein's suggestion of
being made into stew. |
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It makes me want to put that in my will just to f*** with my next of kin. |
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Don't spell it out, though; make them stand around trying
to figure out what 'jerked' means. |
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The Autoboner is losing his/her edge. Took em 'bout 18 hours before leaving it's loathsome calling card. |
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This idea has my gag reflex working overtime. |
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Must resist making fallatio reference/inference |
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Tis rare as human
to full jerk bovine. |
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//I wonder if being jerked will catch on as an alternative to cremation or burial.// I'm all for being jerked. |
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I think ancient cultures pretty much did this to preserve their food, though they didn't have basements... |
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//jerk an entire cow// Parma ham gets close to this, albeit one leg at a time - oh, and it's a pig. |
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//I would recommend that you suspend (or, better, levitate by means of hoof-mounted magnets)// |
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Sorry, that's perilously close to the FTL comms system (NRM Corp TM), which switches the polarity in horse shoes. Even Apple might sue, on the off-chance. |
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MikeD doesn't eat pig. It is a filthy, filthy animal, whose parasite ridden meat will not EVER* enter the digestive tract of MikeD. |
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* unless prepared as bacon. |
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That's a good one, [fries]. |
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Alright then, this idea makes me sick. Better?
Clearer? Less room for gag jokes? Be it so. |
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FT's first link makes me wonder what hippo jerky would be like. |
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