h a l f b a k e r yClearly this is a metaphor for something.
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Drinking is fun for a lot of people. Drinking too much isn't good, and neither is drink-driving.
Alternatives when out (in the UK, at least) to drinking are pitiful: over-sweet fruit drinks that make you feel sick after two or three, or fizzy pop, or (shudder) Kaliber. Even if you drink Shandy, you're
still drinking enough beer to put you over the limit at the end of the evening.
Enter the Drinking Bag. Simply swallow one of these before you go out, whilst holding firmly onto the neck. It'll take a few seconds to get over the gag reflex, but it'll be okay, don't panic. Affix the neck of the bag to your lower teeth, leaving your tongue free to talk, taste, etc.
The neck is semi rigid and creates a seal against the roof of your mouth. The rest of the bag is made of thin but strong latex (or similar, probably something more hypo-allergenic would be good) so your breathing and other normal bodily functions are unaffected.
Now you can drink beer, wine, whatever, which will simply fill the bag rather than your stomach. You won't get drunk, although I guess a small amount of alcohol would be absorbed through the tissues of your mouth. You don't have to suffer the taste of whatever beer-alternative your pub of choice offers any more!
At the end of the night simply attach the neck to the supplied grab handle and slowly pull the bag out of your stomach. Yes, I'm aware that this will be deeply unpleasant, but in my mind it'll be less unpleasant than drinking so much you puke. Or for that matter, tomorrow's hangover.
And it's definitely better than driving home and killing/injuring yourself/your friend/an innocent third party coz you're over the limit.
Total Gut Condom
Total_20gut_20condom
Why stop at drink? Plus how are you going to pull the bag back out once it is full? [bungston, Oct 31 2005]
Stomach - .94litres of 'stuff'
http://www.mamashea.../organs/stomach.asp
[jonthegeologist, Nov 02 2005]
The Cheap Drunk
The_20Cheap_20Drunk
Similar ends, different means.. [Adze, Nov 05 2005]
[link]
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Why would you want to do this, Is it a new type of torture? |
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If you're going to go about it this way you might as well just drink Kaliber and save yourself the discomfort of swallowing a barrier contraceptive. [-] |
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[Ian Tindale] Yes, it's like a condom, but bigger and shaped to match the human oesophagus and stomach... |
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[skinflaps] you'd want to do this so that you can go out with your friends and enjoy a few pints of your favourite beer/glasses of wine/whatever, rather than the alcohol-free hell that is Kaliber. I don't care what they say, it doesn't taste as good as real beer, and it's too gassy. After a couple of weeks of this earlier this year when I was on strict no-alcohol for some blood tests, I can attest to this. |
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[DocBrown], see above. If you want a beer, Kaliber just doesn't hit the spot. And there's no alcohol-free bitter (White Label is low alcohol, but it's vile), and if you're a Guinness fan then you're shit out of luck. |
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[kmlabs] with all due respect, all you are doing is filling a bag and wasting beer, wine whatever.Drink a few pints, fill up a bag and then attempt to retrieve it from your gut.If it's only the taste you're after "swig, swirl, spit"-balloon. |
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Sorry I just don't get it. |
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Heh, [Ian T] you're dead right - I found that out as well during my no-alcohol period. Evenings out just aren't as much fun, full-stop. =) |
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[skinflaps] I see where you're coming from - I said in my original text that it would be deeply unpleasant. You're right, swig, swirl, spit would do the same thing... although you'd lose the satisfying action of the swallow. |
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(and yes, it would be a waste of booze) |
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But probably the best thing to do with Kaliber. |
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Someone voted + for this? I think we may still have a zombie croissant floating around. |
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Good idea - projectile vomit with a real
projectile -
especailly if tt knotted itself shut as it
left your mouth |
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I have two questions:
What flavours does the bag come in?
Can you seal it up and use it to drink
out of the following
night? - in which case you could build
up a stock of bags
and throw a big party at the end of the
month. |
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[phundug] I voted + for this... although on further thought and after reading the various comments on here I'm thinking of altering my vote. |
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[UB] ah yes, breathing... |
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[bungston] I didn't see your idea before I posted this - I probably wouldn't have posted this if I had. It seems to me though that this idea is being treated far more harshly than yours. |
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I agree it's probably not the greatest idea ever, but doesn't even one person agree with me that if you need to stay sober your drink options are limited at best and unpleasant at worst? |
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[kmlabs] the other fundamental issue with this idea is that the capacity of an adult stomach (and therefore your bag), is .94 litres or 2ish pints. |
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So, after two pints, your bag will be full and you'll have to empty yourself. Not exactly a night's drinking eh? In fact, on those two pints, you'll not even be drunk and if you spread 'em out over the evening, you'll even be able to drive home legally (UK) (Note, I didn't say safely, that's another argument) |
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Brings a whole new meaning to air bag.Have a accident on the way home and the trusty beer bag will save you by exploding and dampening the forward momentum with a two pint shower, golden or not. |
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Yay, the takeaway beer haggis!if you make it home intact. |
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Good point [jon], which hadn't occurred to me at all. |
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Presumably the human stomach will stretch though? I've drunk more than 2 pints in one sitting before, without expelling any liquid... a condom (for example) will stretch, would the bag not accommodate? How fast does the stomach disperse the liquid you'd drink normally? |
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/lack of research starting to show... |
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[kmlabs] Me too, but you have to bear in mind the storage capacity of intestinal tract and bladder as well. Plus sweat, moisture lost in breathing or reabsorbed into bloodstream etc |
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The edge of the bag is fixed over the drinker's lower teeth, covering the his/her tongue (which prevents the drinker from tasting anything other than the emabarassment of realizing he/she is wearing a pocket protector for an organ). |
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I keep picturing the seams of a mylar helium ballon scraping the inside of one's stomache.(-) |
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[UB] 7 litres? Wow! That's probably more than I drink in 24 hours... |
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[jellydoughnut] not over the tongue - that would make talking impossible, as well as tasting etc. And I wasn't envisaging any seams - more like a balloon/condom. |
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Looking at this, it's obviously a non-starter - [bungston]'s Total Gut Condom seems a much better idea - although it would require a few days notice before you went out drinking to make sure the bag had unrolled fully (and all the way through your gut I presume?). |
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I'll leave it up for a couple more days in case anyone else wants to comment, and then I'll delete it. |
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kmlabs - please don't be bullied into deleting it - I for one
like it - makes me laugh everytime I think about it. Giving
you + |
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save yourself the trouble and buy one of those dribble cups that pours a safe percentage of alcohol down the front of your shirt. this will also cool you down on a warm summer evening. |
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I'm thinking of a technologically gratuitious version that you swallow, then with a mechanism like the teflon wine alcohol standardizers at production vinyards the sequesters the etoh; a bag of highly pure etoh is passed |
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