h a l f b a k e r yA few slices short of a loaf.
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A kit that when attached to a regular car makes it look just like a minicab.
Comprises: dummy magnetic TAXI sign for roof, dummy VHF aerial, out-of-area taxi registration plates, magnetic signs with company name, logo and phone number (phone number can be for a real taxi firm).
If concerned about
how much alcohol you may have consumed, and desirous of avoiding the suspicion of law enforcement, simply apply the kit to the vehicle, positioning the lifelike inflatable rubber dummies in the rear seat.
Then just drive slowly and carefully. The cops will be far too dumb to spot the ruse.
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//Then just drive slowly and carefully// and get pulled over within minutes. |
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No, that's how the vast majority of English* minicab drivers
behave. They are noticeably slower and more defensive than
normal drivers. |
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*Not, however, in London. This is not surprising as there are few,
if any, English people left in The Great Wen. |
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That tends to be how the creatures that infest it refer to the place. |
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How about a Drink-drive Fat Lady kit for Smartcar
owners? Simply install a sunroof, stand on the
driver's seat, and don the vast and capacious
crinoline dress. Steering and other controls are
managed by foot-straps, and the car body is
completely concealed beneath the skirts. |
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You may be a slightly drunk marketing executive
driving home, but to the constabulary you will
simply appear to be a very tall, fat lady strolling
quickly and smoothly down the street. |
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//No, that's how the vast majority of English* minicab
drivers behave. They are noticeably slower and more
defensive than normal drivers.// |
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There's an art to it. It starts with the environment, tune
radio to a local station, then turn it down in volume. It
should be audible, but not intelligible. Turn the heat up,
heat's free, and it really helps get the most out of the 3
old Magic Tree air fresheners. Next, the CB. It needs to
have the obnoxious mid 50's lady shouting at Jim & Ken
every minute or so. Extra points if the CB is installed
without a ground loop isolator, everyone likes a nice
electrical engine whine. Now, settle in to that
aftermarket seat cover... |
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Driving. You have 2 gears, 1st and 5th. You're allowed
one use of 1st per customer. You lose points after that.
Cabs should be driven essentially at idle in 5th, it makes
sharp corners a little hair raising, but you can take the
edge off the corner by swinging way out in the opposite
lane to straighten out the corner a little. |
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It isn't over til the FAT LADY sings. |
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