h a l f b a k e r yI CAN HAZ CROISSANTZ?
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Admittedly this idea is inspired more by a gradually fading hope (tending towards despair) rather than any expectation of ever being in a position to actually carry it out but here goes anyway…
I was chatting with a colleague today about our chances of getting a lottery win and, as you do,
the discussion turned to how we would choose to inform our employer of this rather wondrous event. The normal debate about the ethics of just not turning up for work anymore or whether to work out your notice period ensued and then I came up with the idea of coming in to work as normal but then picking some utterly trivial subject to get upset about and then dramatically (or over-dramatically if you like) just flouncing out in a huff, never to return.
Upon further thought I realised that this could be a fantastic bit of theatre that would probably be talked about by the other people in the office for years. Occasionally retelling the tale to friends, family & co-workers about how they knew someone who suddenly quit one day because they claimed that there were fewer black ballpoint pens in the office than any other colour and that this was racial discrimination. Just a strange little story to amuse & entertain people down the years.*
But, of course, this only works if there is no likelihood of you ever having to come in to work again. And that’s my idea, partly inspired by the ‘Standardised New World Proclamation’ thread, that it should become an expectation that anyone who wins the lottery should, instead of revealing to everyone how wealthy they have suddenly become, spend some time creating an amusing exit scenario and then play it out for the benefit of posterity.
*Another example, our office is currently suffering from a small infestation of silverfish (my colleague spotted one earlier in the week which, he declared, “was so big you could fry it in batter and eat it with your chips”) and we are expecting a man in an NBC suit to arrive shortly to deal with them, so I was going to use this casual display of brutality towards another living creature as my faux excuse to leave, perhaps bursting into tears and declaring that “you are all inhuman monsters” and then racing out of the door before anyone could protest.
[link]
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Similar to, but not the same as, the now deleted "I QUIT!" Service. |
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Excellent; any number of amusing variations
are possible … |
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- Turning up dressed in a monk's habit and
sandals, handing out bibles and crucifixes to
everyone, blessing them and telling them you
have "seen the light" and are retreating from
the world; |
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- Dress as a clown and say you're running
away to join the circus; |
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- Aquire an Invisible Friend; |
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- Arrange for a squad of Men In Black to
arrive in a convoy of black 4x4's, salute you,
and say, "Sir, the President needs your advice
aabout the situation with the aliens again.
There's a jet waiting at the airport." Wave
you colleagues goodbye and say, "sorry, guys,
duty calls." |
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Subtle is best, like a small fake tattoo of an extra eye on
your forehead.... |
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- off-duty cops come in to arrest you for a "long string of serial murders involving coworkers at previous workplaces" |
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- "men in black" with mirror-glasses and hearing-aids escort a rather severe looking person in to talk with you: overhead snippets of conversation include "national security", "heat ray", etc., as a finale you pull a submachine gun out of the bottom drawer of your desk and are escorted out the door to a waiting black SUV. |
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- an open window and a waiting rope ladder to a hot-air balloon |
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- open an envelope, look at the enclosed note, exclaim "NOoooooo!", run out the door. (The note, left behind, contains only a black dot, "X", or strange archaic symbol on it) |
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- purchase the company, spend a few months moving it around all over the city, before returning to the original location, and selling it back to the original owner. |
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How about borrowing a tender from everyone because you
are broke..... then leaving without ever paying them back.
Something to cause total outrage. If you feel bad, you can
buy everyone a scratch card as pay-back at some future
date. |
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lol, [x] that's just evil ... [+] |
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//- an open window and a waiting rope ladder to a hot-air balloon// |
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Figure out how to lock the toilet cubicle from the outside, then leave all your clothes, wallet, shoes, mobile phone etcetera then sneak away - never to return. |
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Approach your boss with a large envelope that you claim contains nude pictures of him. Open the envelope to reveal only compromising pictures of yourself. Offer him a substantial amount to keep quiet. |
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calum, ah yes! I remember the I QUIT service, it was much like the 4th bullet point in 8th's anno as I recall. This is sort of the antithesis of that, in that the point is to avoid an overt display of wealth, which would give the game away, and to create a plausible but bizarre alternative reason for not returning.
Things like xenzag's money stealing scheme or AusCan531's gone missing ploy should also be avoided as they have a good chance of resulting in some sort of investigation, and then the whole game will be given away. |
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Well in that case the best bet is to get roaring drunk and let everyone know what you think about them. |
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I would be tempted to hire an fx team to make it appear as though I'd been through hell-in-a-hand-basket. Burn marks, clothes in tatters, clumps of hair missing, I would frantically limp/run past coworkers and begin tearing apart the contents of my desk screaming; "Where is it!? Oh God! Where the fuck is it??? They'll be here any second! THEY'LL BE HERE ANY SECOND DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!?!" and then limp/run out the front door with a blood curdling scream of terror, never to return. |
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"Don't think the Ecuadorian Embassy won't hear about this!" |
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I'd do it like the Subterranean homesick blues video; at first, cavort like a mime to gain undivided attention then display cards as follows:
I / have / just / won / more / money / than / you / will / see / in / 20 / lifetimes / and / I / bought / the / company. / Enjoy / Welfare / :) |
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I'm surprised nobody has suggested walking into the workplace wearing PJs & a robe, towel in one hand, and in the other a book/tablet/etch-a-sketch with the words "Don't Panic" clearly emblazoned on the cover/screen/face. After frantically scurrying about for a few minutes you look out the window up into the sky and proclaim "My ride is here". You are last seen exiting the building, thumb extended eagerly upwards. |
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That, or you arrive at work wearing your tinfoil hat, wrap yourself in a space blanket, crawl under your desk and begin mumbling while rocking back & forth. Have your brother-in-law or some other suitable lower form of life arrive wearing a white smock, whereupon he will produce a butterfly net and escort you out of the building and into a waiting plain white van with the words "Soylent Green" tastefully applied to the doors. |
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<PS I'm also surprised nobody has suggested [m-f-d] - List!> |
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If anything, I think this is a let's all (expect people to
do more of something that some already do), but it's
creative, people are having fun, so why be a jerk
about it. |
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For a moment I imagined an NBC suit as something
with rainbow-colored peacock feathers, but I get it
now. |
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Ah, yes, sorry. Unexplained acronym. Schoolboy error! NBC = Nuclear, Chemical & Biological. I don't know of any reason why they can't be decorated with multi-coloured feathers, in the Aztec fashion, and it would certainly help to make genuine NBC incidents much more fun. And we all want that, don't we?
Canuck, I don't see how this can be a 'list'. I think you need to differentiate between the idea and the annos. If people have picked up on the idea and added their own take on it then great, but nobody asked them to! But I will cop to it being Let's All-ish. |
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We consider that this idea avoids the [list]
accusation on the grounds that most
annotations propose a new and original idea
rather than being a statement of an existing
item. |
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The original idea is not a "call for list" per se,
it's simply developed that way. |
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Sorry, I wasn't trying to suggest this is a list. I was merely expressing surprise that nobody had done so up to that time. |
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<whispering> I understand there are some HB denizens who thrive on that sort of thing, a sort of unofficial pedantic police force, as it were. </w> |
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sp: "unofficial, pedantic police..." |
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"My Grammar! What big teeth you have!" |
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Is that something such as Anne Hathaway being a shape shifting demon? |
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