Cruelty free Fur Coats

Fur coats have always been seen as highly desirable for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. It is only in the last few decades that modern sensibilities have tipped public opinion against fur because of the inherent cruelty involved. Cruelty and the fact that there exists a plethora of modern substitutes which are cheaper and more practical. Dozens of animals die to have their skins cut off them and sewn together to make a single piece of apparel. Real furs are non-utilitarian, socially-disapproved and very, very expensive. Nevertheless, the fur trade will not go away as fur retains a certain cachet and desirability within the moneyed set.

My solution is not prohibition - which rarely works. Instead, I propose to use the miracle of modern biotechnology to grow real fur coats in a totally sustainable and cruelty-free manner. First, the “donor” animal of choice – sable, mink, ocelot, polar bear, leopard or whatever - is painlessly captured and tranquilized. A highly trained medical team swiftly and carefully removes a small swatch of the animal’s skin under anaesthesia then treats the animal for whatever ailments, parasites, etc. it might have before returning it gently and lovingly to the wild. All documented of course.

The fur swatch is immediately refrigerated and transported back to the laboratory/factory where it is transplanted onto a mannequin which has been specially designed to provide the swatch with all the necessary growth mediums, nutrients and hormones it requires to eventually enshroud the entire mannequin. Once the mannequin is completely swaddled in rich, soft, luxurious real fur it is a simple matter to snip it off, tidy up the cuffs and neckline, and add buttons or any other accoutrements before selling it to Mrs. Van Gotlots at an exorbitant price.

A portion of the takings could be donated back to wildlife habitat preservation allowing Mrs. Van Gotlots to lord it over the girls at her next bridge game by ostentatiously swirling around in her 100% real (but cruelty-free) fur coat which everyone knows costs 3 times the price of Mrs Merely Riche’s guilt-laden, blood-dripping shoulderwrap. Real fur is now seen as a marker of one’s cruelty and mediocrity rather than true wealth.

A range of mannequins in the various sizes would be required and for a special “sitting fee” the wealthy matron (or perhaps P. Diddy and his ilk) can have a mannequin custom-made to their exact measurements. A genuine “Cruelty-Free but Real” fur garment can be easily discerned from imposters through the fact that it is made from a single contiguous fur. Inside linings will disappear otherwise people will think you’re trying to hide the guilty little secret that your latest fashion accessory is composed of the stitched together corpses of multiple cuddly critters.

Spin-off technologies would be offered to aid burn victims and other people who need to re-grow their own skin. I figure if an animal with a brain the size of a dried pea can grow a form-fitted sable fur coat, why can’t we? Perhaps we could combine the above notions and offer burn victims a choice of growing back their own skin or something REALLY neat.