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Cheese-Tella
Individually wrapped hard cheeses in a handy roll of "sweets" for consumption after acidic or sugary, carbonated drinks to neutralise your mouth's pH value. | |
Hello. Welcome to my mouth.
I've got chronically worn tooth-enamel from drinking too much coca-
cola as a child and too much wine and cider as a (supposed) adult.
I'm only 27, but my gnashers have worn down to approximately half
their length. This is rubbish. What's more rubbish is the diet
constrictions
that I am going to be forced to adopt in order to stem
this erosion, ergo, no more wine, no more cake, no more fizzy drinks,
no more anything nice.
For their effects, you may have seen a healthy tooth (albeit one
devoid of human host) dropped into a glass of coke and watched it rot
in front of your eyes. This is due to the extremely high acid and sugar
levels in the drink, which remain in your mouth for some time after
consumption. In clinical tests, however, a little block of cheese
completely neutralises the pH value in your mouth within seconds,
rendering it a thoroughly pleasant place to be for a tooth.
This simple idea is to form a business that sells assorted hard
cheeses in small blocks, the same size as Fruit-Tellas, Toffos or
Chewits (naming a selection in the hope that at least US and
Antipodean bakers will know what I'm on about), individually wrapped
and in a tube pack. These could then be popped in the mouth when
down the pub after a rum and coke or whathaveyou to prevent your
face falling out.
The product would be marketed specifically to this purpose, but will
not disregard the purely cheese-loving community, by including a
tasty assortment, including parmesan, manchego and other hard
cheeses that won't melt in your pocket.
--------
Disclaimer: I am aware that cheese is not a new invention, nor is this
particular method of packaging, but I thought the practical application,
coupled with a focused marketing approach, might be worth posting
as an original idea.
Single block
http://www.flickr.c...couppas/3036943236/
(This was the only picture I could find of an individual sweet of this type.) [theleopard, Aug 03 2009]
The full pack
http://www.thechoco...ngle_strawberry.jpg
Cheeseits [theleopard, Aug 03 2009]
Saran
http://en.wikipedia...iki/Saran_(plastic)
Handy in the kitchen [8th of 7, Aug 03 2009]
SARIN
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarin
Not handy in the kitchen (but does kill insects). [8th of 7, Aug 03 2009]
SARI
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sari
A wrap, but for cheese? [shudderprose, Aug 03 2009]
precut, not individually wrapped
http://www.sargento...heese-cubes-snacks/
[dentworth, Aug 04 2009]
Moose Milk
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moosemilk
Once tasted, never remebered. Nothing remembered of the evening at all .... [8th of 7, Aug 04 2009]
Cheddar Cider
http://www.thatcher...aught/cheddarvally/
Looks radioactive. [theleopard, Aug 05 2009]
[link]
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<proffers [21] a sugar lump and pats him on the head> |
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//Afterword, the wax is fun to roll into a ball and play
with!// - Can you not eat the wax too? ..... then use the
plastic pulltab to pick out the bits that get stuck in your
teeth? |
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" I am aware that cheese is not a new invention " |
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I thought this was going to be a cheese liquor. For no reason other than I want a cheese liquor. |
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[IT], The chemical used on the Tokyo underground was "Sarin". Saran is a proprietary name for a food safe wrapping product in the USA <links> |
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Reminds me of the (not so topical joke) Q: Why don't the KGB eat sushi? A: Because it has ricin. (Referencing Georgi Markov's assassination by umbrella and the later Itsu incident involving Alexander Litvinenko) |
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This was about cheese and teeth, now it's about biological poisons
and the KGB. 'Tis the wonders of the bakery, tangentially speaking. |
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[21], we have those too, they're called BabyBel here. They'd do the
job I suppose, but they're a bit too big to be having one after every
acidic drink I enjoy down the pub. Plus, these are much more subtle,
looking as they do like conventional chews. |
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I appreciate I'm frighteningly close to an "it's x only smaller" idea
(which is why I haven't posted it for a long time) but I'm championing
the product's marketing, which would set it apart from other small
(albeit not small enough) cheese products by advertising its dental
benefits. |
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However, I don't expect this idea to tear the bakery apart with its
sheer bodacity either. |
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This could be done with a cheese cigarette. Just bite the end off to get a small dose of acid neutralising cheese. |
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Cheese is best kept unrefrigerated, but ideally in cool, moist conditions. |
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...and sanitary, it must be very sanitary... |
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Surely the elegant solution is a soluble cheese which can be
added to acidic drinks, thereby delivering problem and
remedy all at the same time? |
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Yes, it's called "milk", [MB]. Please, do try to keep up with the rest of the class. |
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Maybe you should switch to Moose Milk, [lep] |
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Actually, in parts of Somerset, the local cider/scrumpy was
so acidic that most locals would have lost most of their
teeth by quite a young age. It became traditional to put a
disc or cube of local cheese in the bottom of the mug (or
in the earthenware flagon), which the drinker would eat
after consuming the cider. |
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In a flagon, the cheese would turn hard and brittle by the
time the drink was finished, and this is the origin of the
expression "hard cheese", in the sense of "tough luck" - ie,
the cider had all gone, and all that was left was the
hardened cheese. |
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Ah yes, you're right. It seems that the entire cheese/cider
thing was complete bollocks. Well, I'll be damned. |
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Or just wear cheese dentures. |
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"Eat your own teeth" ? Bizarre ..... |
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[bigsleep], he had me going as well. |
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As for Thatchers, I've tried a cheddar cider at a folk festival in my
home town. It's the drink that's only consumed when all your taste
buds have been systematically eradicated by prior alcohol, and not
only because of its fluorescent orange gleam, but due mostly to the
fact that it tastes like rotting badger phlegm (I presume). |
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Yes. Colloquilally known as "suicider". |
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//Cheese is best kept unrefrigerated, but ideally in cool, moist conditions//
As they say on message boards, ^^^this. The notion of removing from one's pocket, at least one pint or wine into a pub afternoon, an apparent Chewit that, when carefully unwrapped reveals itself to be a greasy, somewhat mushed and doubtless more than marginally stinky cube of cheese sets my throat agag. There are two social risks here. One is that your peers and co-pubbers, being aware of the cheese-tella invention, consider you to be upsetting and queer for purchasing said product. The other is that your p and c-ps are unaware of the product and leap justifiably to the conclusion that you are the sort of person who either cubes cheese at home or robs it from cocktail sticks at desperate 70s themed suburban parties and, in either case, diligently wrap the cubes in slightly waxy paper, storing them in yr pockets for the moment that they are most deliciously comestible, such time being, as far as they can see, when the appeal of the cheese-cube has reached its nadir. Ostracision will surely follow. |
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The first issue can be solved with marketing. The second issue, the chese-sweat issue is, yes, not an issue for the largely pocketless portion of The People who are or consider themselves to be women, but it is certainly urgent and key for the pocketed be-cocked. So the important thing is to eliminate the impact of pocket-warmth upon the packet of Cheese-tella. One solution would be for men to carry handbags. This is itself problematic. While rampant skinny-trousering has made inroads in this regard of late, there is a limit to the subset of males who will rock a bag. So what is needed is a Cheese-tella holster, either worn about the neck like a portable spitoon or, for those who favour oatmeal coloured slacks and short-sleeved shirts, some sort of belt-clip, perhaps positioned to offset the weight of the blackberry or phone holster already sported. For the rest of us, well maybe we can pull the cheese around behind us in a little refridgerated cart. I don't know. |
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Very good points, I confess. In winter I'd keep mine in my coat's inside
pocket, a cool dry place that receives little warmth in comparison to
the sweat-oven of the trouser pocket, and items within generally retain
their structural integrity. However, a different solution is required for
the summertime (of Will Smith fame). |
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Hows about a mini thermos? Marketed alongside the cheeses, It
would be the size of a short cigar container - refillable, compact, safe
and cool in your otherwise squeezed, humid, cheese-adverse pocket. |
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