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It was a dark and stormy night . The huge C130 droned on, massively stable even amid the buffetting winds. Painted a dark custardy-mustard, the only clues to the origin of the huge machine were the intricately entwined croissant and fishbone yinyang roundels on the upper wing surfaces.
"Have you
got the co-ordinates from base?" Captain Hippo asked the Master Custard Aimer.
"Coming through now , Sir." replied MCA Wagster. "That last paintball non-idea was sent through a server in Washington State...got it... exactly 1,000 meters directly north of the Needle...running the spyware now...here's the address of the culprit. Instructions Captain?"
"Oh, custard the fucker off the face of the planet, same as usual. One day these paintballers will realise that there isn't room on the web for both of us."
"With pleasure , Sir. OK BakesPersons, we have the target, load those MOACBs and let's party!"
The Custardship loomed out of the cloud above the paintball newbie's house and unleashed a hail of hundreds of basketball-sized MOACBs (Mother of All Custard Balls) and thousands of rounds of custard powder dilatent munitions... and then came around for another firing pass, and then another.
"Stick that Creme Anglaise in your puny little paintball guns!" whooped the excited crew into the still raging, but now slightly yellow-tinted, storm.
In the dawn there was only...custard.
C130 Custardship
http://www.globalsp...ions.com/ac130.html
Iraqi wedding receptions don't stand a chance with this baby around.. [ConsulFlaminicus, Apr 12 2006]
[link]
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Please don't kill me. Please. I can change, I swear. No more razor-encrusted small animals, I promise. |
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On a side note, it's my birthday! |
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//You're going to use C130s for bombing missions? Count me out.//
Would you prefer something larger? Antonov AN225 perhaps? (Lifts up to 250T)
Plenty custard. Plenty bun [+] |
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Oh pleeease forgive meeeeeeee! *SPLAT* |
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Canuck climbs into his trusty pickup truck, numerous cartons of phyllo pastry stacked inside its canopy. He heads south on Highway 99, through the border crossing at Blaine and gets on the I-5, images of custard-encrusted destruction racing though his mind.
Now 2 hours into his journey, he pushes a little harder as he approaches Lynnwood. A pale golden-hued glow greets him from the horizon ahead as he passes Mountlake Terrace. At Northgate he can begin to see hints of what lay ahead - cars coated in thick layers of custard, with only small openings scooped in the windshield, Metro buses groaning under the weight of too many passengers and too much custard. He pushes onward.
Once past Green Lake, he realizes his truck will not be able to carry him much further. With the U-district looming on his left, he must now abandon his vehicle. Loading the precious cargo onto a toboggan, he sets his sights on the Lake Union Bridge. Dozens of dazed survivors trudge past him. Along the way he hands out rations of pastry, urging people to eat their way out of the dreaded custard but no-one listens.
It is at Wallingford, at the foot of the bridge, that he gets his first glimpse of the hardest-hit area - Queen Anne Hill. Looking out across Lake Union, he sees what was once a sedate suburb perched on a quiet hillside that has become a sea of quivering, creamy custard. The trio of proud transmission towers are now mere lumps, their magnificent steelwork bent and twisted under wave upon wave of blancmange. Dejected, he knows this is as far as he can go, at least until the next good rainfall washes away the loathsome confection.
Of course, this being Seattle, that means salvation is mere moments away. He smiles as he watches the rain clouds gather. "Occasional showers followed by periods of rain, my arse" he thinks, "This one's going to be a downpour." He flips up the hood on his Helly Hansen and braces for the storm. "So much for the phyllo..." |
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And all around him, Canuck could hear the happy sound of children singing, in spite of the desserted streets. It was an ageless ditty that somehow turned his legs to jelly: |
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"Gypsy tart makes you fart: Custard powder makes it louder" |
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[Unabubba] This product is a variant on the C130 gunship, rather than a bomber per se. (link) |
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[Canuck] Worth patenting those 'Phyllo' (sic) pads as some sort of environmental spill containment system? In my factory we use kitty litter. |
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//You're going to use C130s for bombing missions? // Wasn't the first MOAB dropped from a C-130? |
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Can I be played by Peter Sellers? |
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Sure - but only in the style of Inspector Clouseau. |
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"That's what ah said, a boembe of coostard..." |
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