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Bureau of Resolutions

 Happy New Year
 
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Everyone's been asking me what my New Year Resolution is. I don't know. I wish someone would suggest one for me.

Many people resort to 'stop smoking' or 'lose weight', but that's a cop out.

I'd like to establish a bureau of agents who will, for a small fee, do a full investigation into the past year of your life and suggest various changes for the year ahead.

After a short medical and background check, the bureau will provide you with fully personalised and accurate resolutions. For example:

"Grow a moustache - our style agents say it will suit you." "Clear out that 'hidden' folder on your hard drive. It's not fooling anyone." "Learn Chinese. Your local restaurant is becoming impatient with you."

And so on.

—kpx, Jan 02 2003

[link]






       I resolve to contact the Bureau of Resolutions this year.
—FarmerJohn, Jan 02 2003
   

       I always say "My New Years Resolution for 1988 was not to make any more New Years Resolutions. I've kept to it." I get some odd looks, mind, but what else is new?
—PeterSilly, Jan 02 2003
   

       Quarks and bosons.
—PeterSilly, Jan 02 2003
   

       Higgs halibut.
—PeterSilly, Jan 02 2003
   

       No worries mate - we all know that light travels at faster than the speed of light, but only if it's not being observed.
—PeterSilly, Jan 02 2003
   

       Last year I wrote my resolutions on a piece of paper and put it into a drop-leaf desk. Does that count?
—egbert, Jan 02 2003
   

       Only if it had a green-baize writing surface.
—kpx, Jan 02 2003
   

       This would work well as a modification to the "Secret Santa" concept. Everyone in the group picks a name out of the hat, and suggests a (constructive!) way in which their recipient could improve.
—friendlyfire, Jan 02 2003
   

       Doesn't your family function as a bureau of resolutions?   

       "You should lose weight, shave, get a better haircut, eat better, get more exercise, drink less soda, get a job, go back to school,...."
—pointless-bozos, Jan 02 2003
   

       Finish Screenplay. Sell Screenplay. Cash Check. Film "halfbakery Girls Gone Wild". Wait for "halfbakery Girls Gone Wild" video to be released.
—thumbwax, Jan 02 2003
   

       wake up wax, wake up wax, you were dreaming that dream again.
—po, Jan 02 2003
   

       Does the bureau help you enforce their resolution for you?
—kaz, Jan 02 2003
   

       "You *will* lose twenty pounds this year. Either gradually through diet and exercise, or by a visit from agent Smith here on December 31st, with scalpel and shop-vac in hand. It's all up to you..."
—Pharaoh Mobius, Jan 02 2003
   

       // Does the bureau help you enforce their resolution for you? //   

       Constant monitoring is a good idea. That could be how they make their money. If you slack off, you pay up.
—kpx, Jan 02 2003
   

       Yes, you could consult the I Ching.
—uked, Jan 02 2003
   

       [kpx] - I read the beginning of your anno as "croissant monitoring". Obviously not enough breakfast this morning.
—PeterSilly, Jan 03 2003
   

       PeterSilly, I'd recommend some kind of warm pastry.
—kpx, Jan 03 2003
   
      
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