BumberShooting

The regular biathlon combines two conflicting human activities into an interesting sport. The steadiness and calmness required for good shooting vies against the heart-pounding athleticism required to traverse one end of the course to another in a minimal time. The downside is that biathlons require a very specific weather condition i.e. ‘snowiness’ which is only found in temperate parts of the world during certain seasons.

My alternative sport “BumberShooting” can be carried out in any city which experiences rain - which is to say most all of them. 6 to 8 contestants at a time are issued with paintball guns and a set number of individually coloured paintballs. The athletes are then released at one end of the city during the morning wet weather commute and make their way to the Finish Line by clambering over rooftops, fences and so on. While traversing the course they are to mark as many commuters’ umbrellas with their paintballs as possible. Independent spotters would tally the count and award points for each successful shot. To aid the TV audience, each contestant should wear some sort of colourful national headwear such as a keffiyeh, turban, cowboy hat or perhaps just a balaclava emblazoned with their national flag.

Like the biathlon, just being a good shot isn’t enough to win the athlete a gold medal because points are awarded for finishing the course with a quick time. I can envisage the best shooter still not winning anything because they were just too slow or perhaps they never ever show up at the Finish Line after being “tagged out” by local police sharpshooters who weren’t aware of the contest being underway.