h a l f b a k e r y"Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
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Ever wondered what a bite is like from the dreaded bullet ant or a giant centipede? (technically it's a sting but a bite sounds more dramatic)
The Bullet Ant Bite Vending Machine will satisfy your curiosity for all time.
To use the machine, firstly confirm that you read all of the dire warnings
and fully consent to receiving the bite. Confirmation is achieved by having your thumb print scanned and posing for a “before The Bite” pic. Next, make the payment using any of the options on offer. The final step consists of inserting your arm into the front slot of the Bullet Ant Bite Vending Machine and disturbing the captive ant. The bite will soon follow and you won’t want another one. Your inevitable change of facial expression is photographed and uploaded to The Bullet Ant Bite Vending Machine Survivor’s site.
As a reward, the machine prints out an elaborate certificate showing your "before and after bite" expression face, along with the words “I paid good money to get a Bullet Ant Bite”
Other similar vending machines are under development such as: The Stroke A Giant Centipede Dare Vending Machine.
Giant Centipede Bite
https://en.wikipedi...wiki/Centipede_bite
even worse than the bullet ant! yikes [xenzag, Mar 16 2024]
Giant Centipede Bite
https://www.youtube...watch?v=Bbhdhdtjlug
[Voice, Mar 20 2024]
Bullet ant sting
https://www.youtube...watch?v=tXjHb5QmDV0
Possibly hammed up for views [Voice, Mar 20 2024]
[link]
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Your arm? Where's the glory? |
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You should keep getting bit until you say uncle. |
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That's like the difference between a chickpea and a lentil... |
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Trump's never had a lentil on his face? |
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[+] Here's a real-world scenario for the Giant Centipede version: to make it as true to life as possible the subject climbs into a twin bed with sheets and pillows and simulates sleep. The GC is released from somewhere under the mattress and will decide on its own exactly where to bite. Any movement stimulates its bite response and rolling onto it or any startled jerking around will make it very aggressive. The placing of an arm into a hole is too predictable and programmatic and it reduces the impact and surprise factor, limiting the location of the envenomationand making it 'manageable.' |
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If the situation is replicated from real-life experience the impact of the eventual bite will provide far more hilarity and classic photobombs. In my experience the subject will likely levitate violently and provide new levels of vituperative comment. (ps: this shit REALLY hurts. I mean it. This is no fucking art project.) For verisimilitude incorporate a sprint to the Urgent Care Center to round out the experience, where the subject will discover there is no treatment. First you are afraid you will die, then you are afraid you won't. |
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Definitely a much more elaborate experience but hardly offers the simple convenience of a vending machine. |
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I'm fishboning it out of concern for the welfare of the ant. What's to stop someone from killing it or stealing it from the machine? |
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That said, suggested title: Nom Jabbar? |
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I can guarantee my vending machine ant lives in better conditions than any of the millions of the poor cows, chickens and pigs that suffer miserable lives in American factory farms. (This is one of the main reasons why American farm products are barred from entering the UK) I'm not sure about Europe, where animal welfare standards are lower than in the UK, but bullet ant bite vending machines will be made to UK standards, which are the highest in the entire world, so the ants will be guaranteed a great life and able to full vent their annoyance on being disturbed on the arm of anyone daft enough to pay for the experience. (Aside - animal abuse or cruelty does not and never will feature in any of my ideas) I fought tooth and nail with both 8th and Max over this issue. |
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//Nom Jabbar// Well played. |
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Hey! I fought with you too and don't you forget it. |
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If you look through my ideas, you will find that I already proposed a method of teaching snails how to write words, so ant teaching won't be a problem. My ants will be well educated and very happy but also very cross with all human flesh intrusions. |
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What I mean is, how do you stop me from, say, yanking my hand out with the ant still latched on, or smashing it to death with the finger it just bit? Maybe I spray some Raid on my hand before insertion. People are awful, and those who delight in pain often particularly so. |
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Well, if you're going to be that extreme, I suppose the vending machine action could be camera monitored internally and any injury to the ant will result in your arm being guillotined off. This would quickly be followed by the opening of a hatch on the outside of the machine, revealing a circular area of red hot glowing metal, like an old style cooker ring, to which the miscreant would be invited to press their blood spurting stump. They agree to all of this at the outset of course, or access is denied. Ant naturally delivers the sound of amplified laughter. |
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Sigh... goddamn it Xen. It's almost like you KNOW me. [+] |
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