h a l f b a k e r yRenovating the wheel
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that Halfbakers have an unhealthy obsession with all matters toiletial. It is equally true that, whenever the subject of blockages occurs, [8th] can be counted upon to recommend the use of explosives.
Howevertheless, a standard toilet bowl is ill-suited to the
application of explosives. Apart from the fact that porcelain has a tendency to shatter under sudden load, there is the problem that the bowl is wider than the drain, and hence most of the force of the explosion will travel in the wrong direction.
Fortunately, the engineers at MaxCo. have been working on this one in their spare time and - especially for [8th] - have produced the Breech-loading Toilet (or BLT).
The BLT bears some resemblance to a conventional toilet, apart from (a) being circular rather than oval in its uppermost parts and (b) being gunmetal grey in colour. This is because it is made of gunmetal. Closer inspection will also reveal a coarse gapped thread on the inside of the rim.
Delivered at no extra cost with the BLT is the BLT Breech-Block - 348lb of beautifully engineered steel, with a thread matching that on the inside of the rim.
When blockages occur, as blockages are wont to do, it is a matter of moments to drop a timed charge into the bowl, hoist the breech-block into position and screw it firmly into place.
We should also emphasize that it is possible, with practice, to time the explosion to coincide with the moment a cat strolls over the manhole cover in the street out front.
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//[8th] can be counted upon to recommend the use of explosives.// |
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Well, when all you have is explosives, everything looks like a target. |
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When everything's a target, everything else looks like a weapon ... |
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There will be revolt downstairs when the task of cleaning the thread comes to be allocated |
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//downstairs// Sp.: below stairs |
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"with a thread matching that on the inside of the rim" + "drop a timed charge into the bowl" |
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Leaving the victi....purchaser approx 5 seconds to work out it's a left-hand thread.. |
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Beautiful. Include a pneumatic or counterweighted
counterballance arm to support the breechblock into and
out of position. |
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I'd rather have the string to pull to set off the charge,
rather than a timed charge, but that all should be
optional extras. |
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If I was building my own house in somewhere hateful like
France, I'd do away with plumbing my toilet into the
sewerage system, and rather buy a MaxCo beech-loading
toilet and fit a pintle-mounted muzzle somewhere
adjacent to my balcony for aiming the discharge. |
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"street mime, 12 o'clock!"
"Range it"
"25 meters, elevation, minus 20"
"Set"
"Primed"
"Clear"
"Fire for effect" |
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downstairs as in the teenage quartet of indoors outdoors upstairs downstairs, duh |
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I was thinking more of above-stairs and below-stairs staff. |
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Oh it was still a reference to staff - I just arrange them on the udio model |
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So, this is different from loaded britches then? |
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