Booze Pop-up Hepatometer

If you look at the body modification/plastic surgery crowd, invasive techniques are becoming more and more popular. Brow ridges, cheek & chin implants, horns, etc are all the rage for aesthetic mods, but none of them seem very practical. Especially for us boozers. I suggest an implant that would impart both pragmatism and style to anyone astride a bar stool:

The Pop-Up Hepatometer.

It is a small surgical device implanted beside the liver, with a gusseted plastic shaft that protrudes slightly from the skin, similar to a colostomy stoma. From the outside, it resembles a pop-up turkey thermometer. Its internal mechanism measures gluconeogenesis rates and acetaldehyde buildup to determine the point at which you are more likely to have a hangover. As these levels reach hangover ranges, the timer pops out, similar to the turkey timer. The more you drink, the farther it pops out. The shaft of the meter is color coded from top to bottom, green, yellow, red, brown. Green means you can keep drinking, yellow means you're feelin no pain, so on and so forth. Red suggests that you should stop or suffer the consequences. Black is the last color on the shaft, as in blackout. If you switch to water or stop drinking the hepatometer retracts accordingly and lowers.

Imagine sitting at the pub with your friends and you suggest that shots of tequila are in order. One friend suggest that shots of tequila is a very bad idea. Immediately, you lash out, yanking up their shirt to reveal that their hepatometer reads yellow. You retort, "Are you yellow, sir? Do you not wish to leave this establishment with the red badge of accomplishment?" Peer pressure and intoxication ensues.

This would also be interesting socially in the summertime, when women are more likely to bare their midriffs (and hepatometers). Would-be Lotharios could zero in on the women showing red. Conversely, women could avoid men with protruding meters.

The only caveat to this device would be the misuse of hepatometer information by law enforcement officials. "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to turn off your vehicle and lift your shirt..."