h a l f b a k e r y"Bun is such a sad word, is it not?" -- Watt, "Waiting for Godot"
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Getting on an airplane a few weeks ago I watched as the
security pooch walked around sniffing suspicious
passengers as they waited to get on the plane. Pretty
sure nobody had a bomb, but everybody getting checked
out looked just a little stressed until it moved on. At
least
some of the security
dog's usefullness is the deterrent
factor.
So what could be more intimidating than a 680 pound
bomb sniffing tiger? Yea, you might have the occasional
terrorist that says "These are just for show." and not be
intimidated, but how sure are you that this beast won't
take one sniff, know your up to no good (whether or not
you actually are) and go for your throat?
So yea, they might be for show, but all those articles
about
a new breed of tigers trained from birth for the job, are
we 100% positive those are fake? Are you willing to risk
it?
Churchill, Manitoba
https://en.wikipedi...anitoba#Polar_bears
Visitors admitted free; bear will charge later ... [8th of 7, Nov 30 2020]
[link]
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//airplace// This is the new hipster word for a park or other outdoor space that is not roofed over |
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Bears. Trained security bears. Bears have superb senses of smell, and would intimidate adults - but not children. |
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Tigers would probably eat too many passengers, and worse, staff. Staff are expensive (but passengers are infinitely replaceable). They need training, and hand-me-down ripped, bloodstained uniforms do not inspire confidence in new hires. |
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//Tigers would probably eat too many passengers,// |
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Well, depends on what you mean by "too many". |
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The situation would likely never get that far. After several
much-publicized incidents various tracked individuals on the
watch list would be auctioning their frequent flyer miles on
eBay in favor of a Europass. |
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Hmmm "Tiger-Pass", $100 a month. |
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Instant boarding service to avoid possibly deadly
delays. |
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That should be worth $500 a month. |
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Dogs? The existing methodology works, but the result is a
pleasant little beagle giving a relatively innocuous "cue".
Be that a pause or slight digging motion. This is often
trained with food rewards, and false positives can occur
because the dog has decided it's done enough work to
justify a snack. |
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Instead, we swap out the beagle for a group of motivated
Belgian Malinois trained to associate the bomb smell with
a very serious threat. Then we subtract the leash. The
system could be expanded to other transgressions: drug
smuggling, being loud, being surprised at having to do
security stuff after waiting 15 minutes to do security
stuff, shuffling, having an unreasonable amount/shape of
luggage & other crimes equally grievous. |
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You forgot "being foreign" and "talking in a funny way". |
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Changing the immigration form to read "Is it your intention to overthrow the government by violent means ? Even if it isn't there's still a fair chance that you will be eaten by one of our security bears. Entry is at your own risk. Try not to look or smell edible." might well put off all but the most determined. |
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On reflection, that's pretty much a given for Canada ... so, Prior Art ... |
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Great.
Now they're going to disallow laser pointers in airports before you reach the tigers. |
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Otherwise I could have 'all kinds' of fun with this. |
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<Contemplates mental image of aggravated tiger chasing laser dot through queues of airline passengers/> |
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right?...
Through a few kiosks and into the luggage hatch. Muhahahahahaha |
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//Now they're going to disallow laser pointers in
airports before you reach the tigers.// |
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I don't know why the visual of a tiger chasing a dot
through a panicked crowd is funny, but it is. |
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Yes, it is, isn't it ? Funnier still if you add the image of bears in blue uniforms chasing the tiger ... |
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Americans can be popular with airlines again! |
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(We've been getting a bad rap because a relatively small number of us
are needed to put the aircraft over MTOW. Now, the tiger can only eat
~2 before he's full) |
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//So what could be more intimidating than a 680 pound bomb
sniffing tiger?// |
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It would be an InSecurity tiger then shirley? |
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Well, there you go. To enhance the horror factor of
a heavily armed guy walking in with a tiger on a
leash he loudly announces "Attention passengers! I
need you to know our bomb-attack tiger is very
insecure! His insecurity level is EXTREMELY high
today. Thank you." |
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Couple of things people would think hearing that: |
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2- What the hell does that mean? |
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3- That sounds really dangerous. |
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4- So it doesn't sniff people with bombs it just
attacks them? How does it know? |
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5- Yea, that sounds really really dangerous. |
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I'd also have the tiger wearing a vest that clearly
has written on it an arrow pointing to the leash
attachment saying "RELEASE POINT: OPEN IN CASE
OF BOMB DETECTION" with a big sign on the handle
that the handler is holding at the other end of the
leash that says "RELEASE TRIGGER. DANGER! DO
NOT ACCIDENTALLY RELEASE!". |
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// insecurity level is EXTREMELY high today.// |
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6. "The tiger has a very poor self-image and low self esteem. A few carefully chosen ironic comments should be more than enough to elicit floods of tears, and flight to the toilets for an excessive amount of mood-altering medication, a prolonged sobbing fit and a phone call to the counselling service. Hmmm. 'What, vertical stripes ? Stripes are just SO 1990's ... do you get your fashion ideas from watching episodes of Friends ? Your nails look dreadful ... haven't you heard of tooth whitening ? Or dentists ? And orange and black, with those legs ? Honestly, you look like you're wearing a hearthrug ... no, wait, come back, there's more ...'" |
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//6. "The tiger has a very poor self-image and
low self esteem.// |
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and may have a binge-and-purge eating disorder. |
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Fun fact: Tigers lick the skin and fur off their prey, after
they catch it. Their tongues are *that* rough. |
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Just hope the nice kitty doesn't give you a friendly lick after
taking a snort at your luggage. |
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Don't you kink-shame me UB. |
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(Auscan, that was too funny. Kink-shaming. Not heard of that
before.) |
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"Tigers would probably eat too many passengers" |
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Now there's a subject of a few docudramas for Netflix. |
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