Bloodye

Young folk these days go in for wild things like tattoos, body-piercings, and strange hairstyles. Presumably they wish to appear down with the homies and generally like hip innit? These fashion statements alter the appearance but do not (with the possible exception of very extensive tattoos) alter the basic body colour.

MaxxKo! (a subsidiary of MaxCo., branded to appeal to the younger generation) has decided to break into the market with its range of injectable whole-body dyes. You may already be familiar with so-called contrast agents which are injected into the bloodstream to show up on X-rays or MRI scans; these contrast agents are harmless but also generally colourless. MaxxKo!'s Bloodye™ is the opposite.

Each MaxxKo! Bloodye™ comes pre-loaded into a 20ml syringe* with a single-use needle. Simply find a vein, insert the needle and inject the entire contents. Please do this slowly, to avoid having a bolus of oxygen-free dye hit the brain all at once.

In less time than it takes to say "Ooh I feel dizzy; I wish I'd read the instructions more carefully", your entire body will take on a fetching green, orange or blue tinge (red is difficult, for obvious reasons). Major blood vessels will appear as a coloured tracery wherever they lie close to the skin. The effect will fade over the next 2-5 hours, as the potentially harmless pigment wends its way to your kidneys. As a bonus and novelty you will be able to pee the chosen colour for some time.

We are especially excited by our newest addition to the range - fluorescent pigments. Although the skin is generally not very permeable to the UV lights you might encounter in a discothéque (you crazy hipster dudes, you), the tracery of electric-green glowing capillaries on the surface of the eyeballs and, ah, mucous membranes is particularly striking.

*Epi-pen sold seperately.