h a l f b a k e r yGuitar Hero: 4'33"
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Vinyl is, of course, back in fashion due to its inconvenience,
cost, fragility and the requirement for cumbersome immobile
playback equipment. However, the records are typically 12",
10" or 7" in diameter, all of which sizes are reasonably
manageable and generally lacking in inconvenience.
MaxCo.
is therefore launching a range of vinyl re-releases in
sizes large and inconvenient enough to satisfy the modern
audiophile. The smallest records in this range are 32" singles,
whilst the range extends through 72" EPs, 98" albums, and 142"
double albums. Collections of the works of classical
composers are also available - Bach's fugues on a 180" compact
edition, and Wagner's ring cycle on a mighty 243" disc.
For the true afficionado, a dedicated gantry system is
available that can safely remove your cherished records from
their storage bay, flipping them and loading them onto the
turntable whilst providing the necessary support. In addition,
custom-made felt moccasins are provided should you wish to
move your tone arm onto one of the inner tracks.
[link]
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If you have the gantry, why not have a winch system to lower you over the record in a harness ? Imagine the saving in moccasins ... |
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Interestingly, 3D printing technology is currently 2 to 3 orders of magnitude in resolution below that needed to create a fully playable vinyl record; but it's a developing technology. Listen to this space ... |
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//why not have a winch system to lower you over the record
in a harness ?// Far too convenient. If you're going to take
that kind of slack approach, you may as well buy a CD or
download one of those MP things. If you're not willing to don
mocassins and brave the Coriolis forces in order to find the
track you're after, you're just not serious about music. |
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Big 'anything' is good. I can also imagine a giant
cassette player with tapes the size of wooden
pallets. You may collect your croissant fragment. |
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... which you'll need a pallet truck to move ... |
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Can we interest you in our range of styli? Alas they are not
legal for sale to persons under 18 years of age, and may not
be carried in public. |
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As one of my projects, I once wrote to "The Palace"
and asked if I might borrow a single tiny precious
stone from the crown jewels to use in a record
player cartridge as the stylus in order to play the
Sex Pistols track "God Save The Queen". They
thanked me for my interest in all matters of
royalty, but regretfully declined the opportunity. I
remain very surprised. |
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//borrow a single tiny precious stone from the crown
jewels// |
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I suppose for this invention, Cullinan 1 would be more
appropriate? |
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This is a commendably massive idea, but the question of RPM has been left unanswered. A conventional vinyl record has a circumferential speed of about one mile per hour. For your Wagner disc, do you: |
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- slow down the RPM, spinning the record at a glacial 1.5 RPM to achieve a roughly standard surface speed; or |
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- commit to spinning the record at 33.3 RPM, and take the hit in practicality a 24 MPH surface speed would afford; or |
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- pretend it's shellac, and accept nothing less than the 56 MPH you'd get from running it at 78 RPM? |
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The slow speed gives the greatest recording density without sacrificing quality, so that's the obvious choice. |
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With such a large radius, while the angular velocity is constant the linear velocity at the stylus will vary hugely between the outermost and innermost tracks. |
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[8th] - I think you need to purchase our new extremely high-end (and, coincidentally, expensive)
variable-speed turntable which varies the rotational speed of these large discs to maintain a constant linear speed of the vinyl under the stylus. Of course, records will need to be mastered and recorded with this new technical standard in mind which, regrettably, will also make them more expensive.
(Funnily enough, there actually is a real reason why audio nerds might go for larger discs. With cheap pressings you get a small amount of cross-talk between grooves, particularly when the volume of the recorded sound is high. I can sometimes hear this on my turntable - particularly in the silence before a track starts, I can sometimes hear a weird 'pre-echo' of the start of the track from the adjacent groove to the one playing (yes, I know each side of a record only has one groove, but you know what I mean). If the record was larger, with clear space between the grooves (again, you know what I mean...) then this issue would be cured). |
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<Hungarian customer in tobacconist's shop> |
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"I will not buy this record, it is scratched". |
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