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Beans on Toast Printer is a method of printing a short message on a slice of toast, using baked beans to compose the letters which make up the text.
The machine consists of two components: a toasting section and a texting area. Toasting of the bread is carried out on individual slices as they are
held in position like the pages of a manuscript in a conventional typewriter, only in this case it is a pair heating rollers which position and toast the bread. The entire apparatus is orientated in such a way so as the bread remains horizontal at all times, ensuing the bean-message does not simply fall off.
Once toasting is underway, composition of the message can begin. Only a few words may be used, as beans are not exactly the best of units with which to create the typeface.
The beans are delivered to the toast on each stored keystroke via a method similar to that of a mechanical typewriter. Instead of each letter form using ink, these use beans, with the beans being stored in a heated reservoir that forces a continuous supply up a hollow stalk to fill the surface of each letter face before it impacts against the toast. Impacts of each letter deliver a set of beans, creating the simple letter forms.
Once the message is composed, a thin slice of cheese is melted over it to make sure it's sealed in place.
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Doesn't the cheese obscure the message text? |
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Anyway the vital question: what kind of cheese? |
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thin, semi-transparent cheese.... |
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Cheese on beans on toast? This is heresy! This is an
outrage!! Everyone knows that it should be _beans_
on _cheese_ on toast. |
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For high-volume printing (as, for example, a beans-
on-toast factory), the toasted bread could be
impacted with an impacting impactor which created
small bean-shaped depressions in the surface.
Addition of a layer of beans, followed by vibration of
the toast, would then cause beans to occupy the
depressions. |
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ackshully that's "scrambled egg on cheese on beans on toast" |
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That, my friend, is a morally and aesthetically wrong
combination. |
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I ALWAYS melt the cheese OVER my beans on toast! This seals them in nicely. Try it - now all you need do is spell out a few words like FAB and you'll be ordering up the blueprints to build your own Beans on Toast Printer. (currently not available in the shops, but not for long) |
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//I ALWAYS melt the cheese OVER my beans on
toast!// It's talk like that that damn nearly cost us
the Empire. |
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The melted cheese acts like a type of roofing felt that
ensures no bean can move out of position. (this entire
conversation is of course lost to those still living in the
forlorn reaches of the colonies, where the beans on toast
experience is a totally unknown event). |
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//The melted cheese acts like a type of roofing
felt// Let's not get side-tracked into analogies
from the building trade here - these are surely red
herrings which will set us off on a wild goose
chase. |
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The entire raison d'etre of the authentic beans-
on-cheese-on-toast format (as distinct from
cheese-on-beans-on-toast) is that the layer of
cheese protects the underlying toastal material
from soggage by the bean juice. Moreover, the
mouth feel of beans-on-cheese-on-toast is a
perfect symphony of textures: while the tongue is
being teased by the roughness of the
toast, the mouth roof is taunted by the sultry
steaminess of the beans; finally, the yielding
texture of the cheese is revealed, resolving the
textural chord. |
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Furthermoreover, beans-on-cheese-on-toast is far
easier to prepare than cheese-on-beans-on-toast.
One toasts the bread, adds a generous skim of
butter, layers on the cheese, and replaces it
under the grill until the cheese is bubbling and
sumptuous. It is then transferred to a plate,
whereupon howsoever large a quantity of hot
beans are spooned on top, often spilling
capriciously over the edge. |
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If you tried to make cheese-on-beans-on-toast,
you would find that there is no satisfactory way to
grill the cheese without spillage of the underlying
beans, unless they are very meagre in quantity. |
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Still, this is taking us away from the original thesis
of this idea. Let's just agree that you're wrong and
move on. |
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// Let's just agree that you're wrong and move on// Let's just agree that you need me to teach you how to make cheese ON beans on toast and then you must move on, as my position is verified. You'll never be the same again. As for buttering the bread.... you never do that! The bread receives the beans in a state of complete nudity of course. Everyone knows that, as verified by independent research. (Rangemaster and Orvil 1953 - Pan versus Batch toasted surface absorbancy characteristics) |
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You can tell I'm an American, I have never put beans on toast- yuck. |
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What kind of farinaceous substrate is reccomended for this? I'm thinking that a rustic grain- or
seed-filled loaf might have a surface too uneven for precision legume placement. |
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//I have never put beans on toast- yuck// How do you know? |
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// you need me to teach you how to make cheese
ON beans on toast// |
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The strange thing is, when someone is so
completely wrong as [xenzag], then every piece of
evidence against them just serves to convince
them that they're right and the victim of a
conspiracy. |
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There is some evidence (from the remains
unearthed around primitive hearths) that the
Neanderthals made cheese ON beans on toast.
You will also note that there are very few
surviving Neanderthals. |
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The Dutch, I believe, also have a dish called
"verbrandbrood onder bonen onder kaas", which is
equally corrupt. The very fact that they are Dutch
says it all, really. |
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[xen] nothing against your idea. It's very cute, but I eat baked beans in bowl with ketchup on them. I know because I don't like soggy toast!
ps- I looked at photos of it as a breakfast food in Great Britain, etc. Some things just differ from place to place, person to person.
I don't like soggy tortillas for breakfast, so when in Mexico, I don't eat those either. Ah - but maybe beans on a tostada printer I'd love. |
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//The strange thing is, when someone is so completely wrong as [Max], then every piece of evidence against them just serves to convince them that they're right and the victim of a conspiracy.// Don't worry.... slow learners require a patient teacher, and I have infinite patience, especially when it comes to melting cheese. Ha! |
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Google hits for "beans on cheese on toast" (with the
quotes): 23,400. |
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Google hits for ""beans under cheese on toast" (with
the quotes): 0 |
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You people are impossible. Or at least highly
improbable. |
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"beans under cheese on toast" is a different recipe altogether.
- heat beans
- toast bread
- lay cheese onto toasted bread, cut into triangles.
- serve beans in bowl
- place triangles of cheese-on-toast on top of beans. |
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//Google hits for.....// ha - so what does that tell you? That you're just another one of google's sheep, and my recipe is unique! bahahaaaaaaaa (bet you've secretly tried my version, and now prefer it!) |
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My own experiments lead me to believe that there is an alternate reality where baked beans is a hamburger topping. |
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My variation is "Boston" baked beans heated in a
bowl, topped with cold cottage cheese, with grilled
cheese sandwiches on the side. |
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Of course, there is also bacon. Bacon makes
everything better. |
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You guys are giving [xen] such a hard time, I gave him a bun to put his beans on!! |
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//You guys are giving [xen] such a hard time// ha - terrible sobbing that was keeping neighbours awake comes to a whimpering halt :-) |
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I love a marmite, cheese and tomato sandwich. The cheese is of course melted OVER the tomatoes and marmite, which has been spread over lightly toasted bread before going under the grill. Yummy yum yum |
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Marmite - you either hate it or are wrong. |
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Ah- another wonder of the world that I have never had the pleasure to try. Somehow the word Marmite sounds like something you put between bricks. |
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Marmite consumptions ensures Mensa membership. |
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//Marmite consumptions ensures Mensa membership.// |
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Reminds me off moose droppings which are nicknamed "smarten-up pills" in Canada. You keep eating them till you smarten up. |
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//Marmite - you either hate it or are wrong.// |
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As a 20+ year Down-Underer I will eat Marmite (UK/NZ) or Vegemite (Aus) if they are presented to me but if both products disappeared from the face of the earth, I wouldn't mourn. |
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^never tried any of them, but I imagine that advertised on the jar is "Provides the complete weekly requirements of Sodium in every teaspoon !!!" |
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This doesn't happen particularly often, but I am
wholeheartedly with [xenzag] on this one. Only a
fool would pass up the chance to melt choose on
something, particularly beans. |
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My own personal specification includes a few dashes
of Tobasco sauce on the beans, before the cheese
layer is administered. |
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maple syrup, black pepper and half a drop of liquid hickory smoke (also green peppers, onions, bacon and ground beef). |
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Is it moose cheese that's called choose? |
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