Ballistic Donuts

This idea hit me when I was checking out [gusbus]'s Jellydoughnut Extractor. I illustrated it out on a piece of paper and thought "Hey! What if, instead of a vacuum device, how about you use pressurized air to propel filling all over the place!" I then realized that would make the donut act like a rocket, and the Ballistic Donut was born!

This doohickey was is simple-a hypodermic syringe, attached to a tank of pressurized air made of very light material (soda-bottle plastic and pressurized helium?) The syringe is jabbed into the donut directly opposite to the fill-hole. The fill-hole is pointed horizontally and is strapped to the tank so the evacuated filling is propelling the assembly directly forward. the benefits of this assembly are as follows-

A. The trail of evacuated custard left by the device can be swapped out and used to: seed starving countries with vitamin-enriched custard, seed enemy territories with napalm, seed desert counties with fertilizing horse poo, etc.

B. In event of a catastrophic in-flight failure over friendly soil, the donut will simply disintegrate into delicious, biodegradable shards!

C. It will reduce obesity by taking millions of doughnuts out of circulation, and pay off the national debt by selling the vast post-war donut reserves.

D. It is very cheap-the U.S. military has vast stores of helium its not using, and if there’s one thing Americans have, it’s DONUTS! (and burgers, but those are not strategically useful)

Putting the plan in motion is simple, too. All we have to do is:

1. Slowly seed the police force with stereotypical doughnut snarfers.

2. Have said stereotypical donut snarfers buy lots ‘n’ lots of jelly donuts with their own pay.

3. Have said donut snarfers give said donuts to the U.S. government. (The snarfers may enact a “Donut Tax” and eat a specified percentage of the donuts.)

4. Use the awesome dumpster diving powers of the Geek Ninjas of 1337-ness (1-800-1337) to acquire many soda bottles to use as pressurized helium tanks.

5. With said components, build millions upon millions of the donut missiles.

6. End the Iraq War. And the Bush administration. And world hunger/poverty. And Wii scarcity. And lack of ubiquitous Steam-Robots and Star-Zeppelins. Unnecessary donut-related violence solves everything.

7. Create giant, interplanetary donut missiles. Donuts On Mars!

8. Watch The Dalek Song. You know you want to!

9. Make a killing on the donut market, selling huge, transatlantic doghhnuts.

Oh, and how do I post pictures on the HB? I’ve got an illustration all ready to go.