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Baby Name Taunt-Proofing

 Check your favorite baby names for common taunts.
  (+3, -1)
(+3, -1) 		  [vote for,
against]

Almost any name can be taunted with a sing-song schoolyard rhyme. However, some are worse than others. For instance,

"dijontoothpaste, dijontoothpaste, you're so dootie faced!"

is worse than

"sk_orange, sk_orange, you're so...ummm...orange!"

A computer program (presented in the form of a website) could use soundex to find possible rhymes with the baby name (or halfbakery.com login name) you're considering, and then would spit out a series of couplets which could possibly be used to taunt jr. in the future.

Approximate costs associated with the name (from psychotherapy, legal fees associated with changing one's name) could be estimated together with appropriate disclaimers of liability.

—dijontoothpaste, Apr 23 2003

babynamer.com http://babynamer.com
23 Apr 03 | This baby naming site has a section called "drawbacks" where the negative aspects of a given name, including the potential for teasing and taunting, are listed and discussed. [bristolz, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]

(?) Bad Baby Names http://rock103.com/drakeandzeke/_bbn/
And you thought *normal* names would cause teasing... [Croesus72, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]

Think! Baby Names http://www.thinkbabynames.com
Baby names resource on the meaning, origin, history, religious significance, and popularity of first names. [kianhuay, Jan 03 2005]

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       They had a routine like this on the Simpsons where, in a flashback, Marge and Homer are trying to decide on a name for their firstborn. Every name Marge suggests is met with a rhyming taunt or cuss, until she says "Bart." Homer shrugs and says "okay."
—snarfyguy, Apr 23 2003
   

       Well, let's say, just for argument that I knew someone whose name was Fagan Percy Dink. What would the options be for this person, who is not me, but a friend of mine?   

       Are there Services for Persons with Unfortunate Names? S.P.U.N.?   

       Or perhaps Services for Persons with Unfortunately Rhymed Names would be more appropriate.
—k_sra, Apr 23 2003
   

       Well, sadly, by the time a person is already named, there is very little that can be done ("Your name is Gaylord Focker?"). However, I would still encourage Mr. (?) Dink to visit this website (if it were fully baked). A print-out from tauntproof.com (domain available!) could possibly assist in the legal wrangling to have his name changed to something more like "James Bond" or "Sting."
—dijontoothpaste, Apr 23 2003
   

       This is just common sense. My family has done it for names and initials for generations.
—DrCurry, Apr 23 2003
   

       <biff> "Eastwood? what kind of pansy name is that?" </Biff>
—ato_de, Apr 23 2003
   

       <In retrospect> My daughter and son both have the middle initial ‘J’. And while I’m perfectly willing to informally call my son ‘CJ’, I cannot address my daughter as ‘BJ’. Even worse, the ‘J’ rhymes with her last name. </ir> (+)
—Shz, Apr 23 2003
   

       <Roy O'Bannon>"John Wayne? (actual name Chong Wang) That's a terrible cowboy name."</Roy O'Bannon> (note: quote probably not completely correct, but close.)
—tekym, Apr 23 2003
   

       Every name can mutate - e.g Jane > Janus > Anus. Jessica > Jackoff.   

       At least your kid won't ever be picked on for physical or personal attributes if give them a really bizarre name.
—Mouche, Apr 23 2003
   

       sk_orange, sk_orange, you're bent like a door hinge.
—sufc, Apr 23 2003
   

       //Every name can mutate//   

       Yeah, and with a name like [Mouche], I'd not pick any fights.   

       But you're right. You cannot check every possible nasty. The only 99.99% effective screening is a pack of school kids (or a malicious ex). For example, one girl called Laura was nicknamed Flora, after the margerine brand, because (supposedly) she 'spreads from cold' (the ad slogan of the time).   

       My ex could attack any name in multiple languages. And she always came up with something close to the bone:   

       Apparantly, my middle name in one language means 'stupid' - I'd just been doing business with people of that language, and next time I met them I was suspicious every time they smiled.   

       Another example of bizzarre name/title ridicule was when I was introduced at a dinner party as "a pilot". Of course, in the language chosen to convey that, "a pilot" is the common slang for an habitual w@nker. I did not know that at the time, and wondered why they were reluctant to shake my hand.   

       The only thing we can do for our kids is to come up with a boring middle name. Then, pre-test in on kids and exes.
—FloridaManatee, Apr 24 2003
   

       I kid you not, but my friend's mum is a midwife and she recently delivered a baby girl whom the parents called Pocohontas McGraw.   

       Dearie dearie x9 me.
—ChewTheBeef, Apr 24 2003
   

       That's a pretty cool name. Oops wrong thread.   

       Puts me in the mind of the Johnny Cash song "A Boy Named Sue."   

       Btw, you'll never taunt-proof kids' names.
—snarfyguy, Apr 24 2003
   

       My aunt knows a woman who named her kid "meconium"
—igirl, Apr 24 2003
   

       snarfyguy has hit the mark. Names will never be taunt-proof, not as long as kids continue being kids. Even if they are not trying to be cruel, kids will always find a away to change others' names around. It's just a word game, at least until someone makes a fuss about it then they're stuck with it because they reacted. If you name your kid for a particular reason, tell them that reason and why they should be proud of their name, but also prepare them for the fact that others may not be understanding. As much as we would like to, we can't hurt-proof kids as they grow.
—Canuck, Apr 24 2003
   

       To be frank (which rhymes with--well nevermind) I agree, names could never be totally taunt proof. However, a taunt-proofing website could be useful in the following situation: A couple is expecting a baby, and the mother-to-be really wants to name the baby "Leif" after her Grandfather. The dad-to-be has a differing opinion, and so says, "Leif? You're kidding right? I mean, c'mon, have some mercy! You want him to go through life hearing 'Leif, Leif, you're a thief?' I say we name him Charles. It was good enough for my grandad, my dad and me, so it's good enough for my son."   

       The expecting mother, nearly in tears, realizes she needs an ally. She rushes over to tauntproof.com, punches in "Charles" and gets a page full of taunts like "Charlie, Charlie, smells like Barley!" and "There once was a dog named Charles, who couldn't say words, only snarls. He travelled to Paris with a teacher named Harris, and now he don't talk, he just parles."   

       The unexpecting father, when confronted with these spectres of his own past, will ruefully admit that his son deserves better, and constructive and supportive dialog between the parents-to-be can then resume.
—dijontoothpaste, Apr 24 2003
   

       orange can be rhymed:   

       "four engineers wear orange brasierres"   

       it's stretch, but it works.   

       my favorite unrhymable is "month".   

       and, yes, any name is tauntable, but some are worse than others. i knew a young lady named tera hymen and she was a very bitter girl. i don't blame her, and mr and mrs hymen ought to have known better.
—urbanmatador, Apr 25 2003
   

       I had a substitute math teacher named Harold Dick. His wife also was a substitute (Mrs. Dick). It was very HARD to take them seriously. Even if your name is not easily rhymeable kids will try other ways to tease you. I think it is something everyone must deal with. I got a nickname starting from the fact that I wiggled my ears that ended up transforming into Pigsy.
—Zimmy, May 03 2003
   

       8th or 7. hhmmmm rings a bell.
—po, May 03 2003
   

       Doing the alphabet song with someone named Chuck could lead to childhood problems, but with the amount of oddball names people come up with, who knows! I see so many names that are mistakenly, or worse, purposely misspelled, it seems plenty of people want to force individuality on their kids!   

       Then there is just ignorance, like giving a child a name pronounced "fee -mah -lee", spelled Female, because "that's what the hospital called her".
—cowtown, May 04 2003
   

       My girlfriend used to work at a store, and a guy came in called Jonny Justice... it was on his credit card and everything. That is a cool name, so no taunts there.   

       Also we had a german teacher called mr Evans... seemingly safe from taunts... But he wore a wig, and cos he was a german teacher we all called him Herr Evans (Hair Evans).   

       No one is safe from cruel school kids.
—MikeOliver, May 04 2003
   

       Missed this the first time round, I like it. What about family names that are tauntable all by themselves? We need a halfbaked solution for that. (My last name begins with F-A-R, use your imagination).
—krelnik, Jun 06 2003
   

       friend of mine, south african, wanted to call his child fhartou.... which is bad enough but his second name was gae. this is one of those names that has to be said out loud to be believed. the wife put her foot down and the child is called jason
—ninjafishcake, Jun 30 2003
   

       Chasin' Gay? Chaste 'n' Gay? Nothing much wrong with that I suppose.
—egbert, Jun 30 2003
   

       <notajoke> I once worked with a pleasant but non-too-bright girl called L***** Maycock, and she had a baby boy.
Unfortunately, she was also a great fan of the actor who played the starring role in the most recent James Bond films.<notajoke>
—squeak, Jul 01 2003
   

       And also, it's not what the kids actually say, it's how they say it.   

       example from my childhood:
take the name David and the song goes.		   

       David bom bavid
Stickle-avid fie-favid
Fie-favid stickle-avid
That's how you spell David.		   

       Sung to the tune of "Oranges and lemons"
—squeak, Jul 01 2003
   

       Sent a copy of this link to friends with offspring named Paris and Sydney, suggested sterilazation berore they reached Bangcock
—marcucco, Feb 16 2004
   

       Having been inadvertenely named after a quite popular cartoon elephant (and been taunted with the godwaful theme song more than enough), I can not help but give this a croissant.
—Saruman, Mar 12 2004
   

       Saturday night live did a skit bout this, wife and husband talking back and forth, every name she suggested he said no and proceeded to give her the taunt for such a name. During this the door bell rings. Postal Guys says" i have a package for a Mr Ass Wipe Cum Bubble." The husband furiously yells "Its Asweepe' Cuume Bob le !"
—krod, Mar 12 2004
   

       I would hope that this would be available for immigrants to other countries. Some worsts:   

       I had to go out into an E.R. waiting room and call for patient "Phuc Yu".   

       My family came from Russia and wanted to "Americanize" their name. They dropped the "ski" off of the end and my grandfather go to school being addressed as "Master Bator".   

       I was fortunate to have a somewhat unpronouncable last name and the best that anyone could come up with was "Hugo" (Hugo, I go)
—Klaatu, Mar 13 2004
   

       In his seminal work "The Book of Heroic Failures", Stephen pile records how one couple named their child "Depressed Cupboard Cheesecake"   

       I kid you not
—rambling_sid, Jan 04 2005
   

       My sister knew a guy named Mike Roach. Forget the fact that his last name is that of a disgusting insect--everyone called him My Crotch. In high school I had a math teacher, Miss Harris. Everyone called her Miss Hairy Ass. No name is safe (we've already established that here).
—Machiavelli, Jan 04 2005
   

       [urbanmatador]: How would you pronounce the successor to the nth thing [the (n+1)th]? Seems to me it should rhyme with month.
—supercat, Jan 04 2005
   

       Check out the 404 on the Bad Baby Names link - I'd flag it, but think it's good enough to keep.
—zen_tom, Jan 04 2005
   


 

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